


Through the Years

by chicagogirl2



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:08:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 34,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28821237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chicagogirl2/pseuds/chicagogirl2
Summary: Hailey and Jay used to be best friends, but haven't seen each other in 7 years. A chance encounter at a coffee shop one morning in Chicago forces them to address many old wounds, memories and feelings that had been left unsaid along the way. Will they be able to find their way back to each other? Upstead!
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 39
Kudos: 114





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> It's me, back again! Feeling inspired the last few weeks to write more. Not to mention the KISS. FINALLY! More on that later. I've been thinking about this story and the concept for a while now. I guess it is somewhat AU…but different in the sense that Hailey & Jay have been lifelong friends, share a rich past, and like many relationships have encountered challenges and dealt with life changes. I'll leave the interpretation up to you, as they navigate these feelings together as adults. These are already some of my favourite words I've ever written. If you've ever had someone in your life that you lost touch with, or had a falling out with, or grew up with and never quite explored your feelings for one another…then this story is for you. Or if not, I hope you still read this and can connect in other ways, because at the end of the day this is a story about love. Love can come in all shapes and forms- friendships, family, relationships. Along with that often comes heartache, regret, missed opportunities, and second chances. This is a story about Upstead, but also a story about life and everything that goes along with it too. These words are special to me in many ways, particularly in my own personal life. I've uploaded the first two chapters, but more to come soon. Enjoy! - K

Prologue

Jay sat by the window of a busy coffee shop on a Friday morning. He was waiting for Kim and Adam to get their order, so he went ahead to grab them a table so they could have a bite to eat before work. He had just set his jacket down over the chair and sat down when he looked up and saw her, plain as day. He thought that his mind was playing tricks on him, it couldn't be. But it was her, there was no one else he knew with that smile, and those eyes. Two crystal clear blue ones that had stopped dead in their tracks and were staring right back at him, stunned. Hailey Upton.

He inhaled sharply, trying to get a hold of his emotions. He was in disbelief that it was her familiar blonde ponytail swaying past the window. His lack of contact with Hailey over the greater part of this last decade was hard, maybe the hardest thing he's ever had to do. But he had to let her go, spread her wings. Hailey deserved the world, and she deserved much better than he could ever offer her. It pained him every day to walk out to his truck, and stare at her parents old house. All the memories they had growing up here, she was everywhere. But he had been selfish too, playing with her emotions and her heart all those years. He had thought about this moment for a long time, they were bound to run into each other at some point or another. All he could manage while her eyes stayed locked on his face, was tensing his jawline, as he curled his lip up, flashing her a grin, a knowing nod. She paused for a minute, taking it all in. He saw her bite the inside of her cheek, and he would bet his life savings that the hand hidden in her coat pocket was nervously fidgeting with the gold ring she always wore on her right middle finger.

Jay Halstead. She knew this was a possibility, while on a work trip back to Chicago. She just never thought it would actually happen. What are the chances, of really running into Jay hours after she landed? Apparently, the odds were high. It took her years to push the constant thoughts, memories, fights about Jay out of her mind, and it all came flooding back in an instant. All it took was one sparkle of those green eyes to unlock a part of her soul that she forgot about yet was always lingering somewhere in her heart. One that was familiar, turbulent, yet comforting. He looked older now, they both did she did figured. Part of her always wondered what would have happened if she met him at the park bench that night. A large part of her heart always ached for him. There had been boyfriends over the years sure, but none like Jay. They had never officially dated, but in many ways, he was the strongest current she had ever swam in, that no one else could hold a candle too and she just couldn't explain why. In words anyways. Their friends growing up knew, their families knew, but nothing ever materialized because she was scared. They were scared. Of the unknown, of the joy, of the consequences. And by the time they realized, it was too late. Too much had changed. There were things that they could not come back from. The closest encounter they had in recent memory was a few years back. Their childhood friend Mouse had actually called Hailey, saying he was worried about Jay. That he wouldn't have called her if it wasn't serious. That was the one and only time her resolve was weakened, the walls were about to come down, she almost hopped on a plane and came home for him. Realizing she had been selfish and equally to blame for their falling out, she wanted to hold him, put him back together like she had done before. She was seriously considering coming home for a weekend and putting their issues on pause, breaking their radio silence. That was until Mouse replied a few weeks later saying that he had turned things around, he was going to therapy finally. She smiled at that, a small victory in the long line of Halstead stubbornness. She thought, maybe that wasn't even her place in his life anymore. There was a tiny part of her that would welcome him back into her life in an instant. It was strange, this feeling standing before him, with only a thin pane of glass separating them, Jay Halstead, who she had grown up with. Laughed with, fought with, cried with, who knew many if not all of her darkest secrets and yet he felt like a stranger. In all sense of the word except literal, she had seen him naked, as he did for her.

She thought about this version of herself, one that he had never touched, never hugged, or looped his fingers around hers when they were driving. They say after 7 years the cells in your body shed, change, regenerate. What she once thought was a comfort that his hands had never touched this version of her, a part of her wondered what if they did and always would. She hoped he was happy now. As they stared at each other through the window, albeit briefly, she knew he was remembering too.

They broke their eye contact as she continued walking down the street, Jay stared down at his coffee, trying to grin through the pain in his heart. The moment ended as quickly as it began, feeling like time was standing still. It made him wonder if there would ever be another person in his life like Hailey Anne Upton.

"You alright man you look like you've just seen a ghost?" Kim asked casually as he sat down across from Jay, who seemed spooked to say the least.

Jay didn't reply in words, he just lifted his head and stared in the direction of Hailey, only the back of her visible now as she waited at the corner light before crossing the street. Adam and Kim had been approaching the table when this all happened, so they witnessed the looks the two former friends had been giving one another.

"Who was that blonde Jay? Wow. Was she ever giving you the eyes" Adam smirked innocently, cluing in to Jay's awestruck demeanour.

Jay smiled, fighting back a tear or two forming in the corners of his eyes. "Someone I used to know."


	2. The girl from Jay's wallet

"Does Jay seem a bit…. distracted… to you?" Adam whispered to Kim later that morning, as he watched Jay clumsily spill his coffee on his desk, looking more frazzled and out of it than usual as they were looking into leads for a case. It was bizarre, Jay was usually the most put together, level-headed one of the group. Adam was confused, he had seemed fine up until they grabbed coffee this morning.

Kim stared at Jay, who did seem out of sorts since breakfast at the coffee shop, suddenly the significance of the moment dawning on her. The blonde ponytail, those unmistakeable piercing blue eyes. She wondered how she didn't see it before, just now. His reaction made sense. When Jay got shot last year, Kim took his wallet from the scene, returning it to him at the hospital later. She had searched through it to find his health card while they were in the ambulance, to have it ready as they approached the hospital. A small photo fell into her hands as she frantically pulled cards out. It was hidden in the creases, tucked in, clearly having been in there for a long time. It was incredibly worn, the colours faded, one of those old photo booth strips you took at the mall. Hailey & Jay 2002, written on the back in what looked like a girl's handwriting. She had no idea who this girl was, never heard Jay even mention anyone named Hailey, but this obviously meant something to him, to carry this around in his wallet every day. She tucked it back in his rightful place and forgot about it. Never asking him about the photo of the mystery blonde. She had never told a soul about that, forgetting that it had even happened until now.

Kim was feeling bold and needing to get to the bottom of this. So, she marched up to his desk and decided she was going to ask him once and for all.

"This morning… was that the girl from your wallet?" Kim blurted out. Jay had been acting strange all day, staring off into space or at his phone. She had never seen him blush so fast or seem so off put by anything in her life. This was not the historically stoic Jay Halstead she knew in front of her right now.

"What did you just say?" He replied bluntly, looking up from his computer screen, shocked.

"You heard me Jay", she said calmly, and confidently. Kim wasn't backing down.

"How do you know about that?" He said somewhat defensively. It was the best reply he could come up with.

"I had to find your health card in your wallet when you got shot last year...", Kim started to explain, Jay nodding, realizing how she saw the photo.

He paused, thinking about how he wanted to explain this. There was so much he could say, but all that came out was, "She's my, she was- was my best friend. We grew up together, we lost touch. After I came back from my second tour…we had a falling out. She moved away; I haven't seen her in over 7 years."

Kim had every intention of replying and asking more questions but refrained after realizing that Jay wasn't being secretive or holding back information about his personal life for the sake of it, but rather that he just looked… sad.

He had been thinking about Hailey all day. He couldn't get her out of his mind. Her smile, her laugh, her everything. He had debated calling his brother, knowing for a fact that he still kept in touch with her every now and again. They had never talked about it, Jay never brought it up, neither had Will. It wasn't a secret that Will has her current number, and he knows very well that Will knows he knows that. He may have snooped a time or two on his brother's phone about her. He knew that was weird, he felt a little creepy doing it. It was even weirder that the act of searching her up on Will's Facebook felt wrong and so foreign to him. He never thought in a million years that they would be in this place, a fragmented and torn version of their once rock solid friendship.

So instead of going home right after work he drove around town, scouting out a few of their familiar places, ones that he thought Hailey might be at. Hoping for another chance encounter. It was late by the time he decided to call it quits, his body protesting at being up for so long, and still in the same damp clothes he had been wearing all day and into the night as they finished up a high profile case at work.

His heart started beating when he turned the corner of his street, the headlights illuminating his front porch.

He should have known. He pulled up into the driveway and walked towards his house, only to find a familiar figure crouched on the front step.

"Thought you'd never come home", she said with a hard to read smile on her face.

"I was out looking for you", Jay reasoned right back.

"Mhmm. Will told me this is where I might have luck finding you", Hailey replied.

"Did he now. Didn't know you still talked to Will…", he tested her.

"I never stopped talking to Will. I know you know that", she smirked, challenging him.

Jay pursed his lips and raised his eyebrow, knowing he was caught. "I see. Well, you could have let yourself in, you know where the key is."

"With how jumpy you are? Never Jay." Their banter returned quickly. Hailey spoke fluent Jay, and vice versa. Their languages were always one and the same.

Jay decided to speak on the looming and necessary conversation about their current situation. "Hailey I'm really not in the mood for a fight tonight."

She could hear the exhaustion in his voice.

"I didn't come here to fight Jay. You gonna invite me in for a drink or what?" She flashed her dimples.

"Good because I have a massive migraine coming on, I'm actually feeling a bit sick", he blurted out. Jay hated that. That after all this time, Hailey was sitting right in front of him on the porch, willing to talk things out, and he was making a lame excuse. Well wasn't exactly an excuse he was feeling shitty. His head was pounding, he had been outside on a raid all day, he felt the chill down to his bones.

"Still huh?" She asked, referring to the migraines.

"One of the few things that's stuck with me over the years", Jay laughed nervously, the effort itself making the throbbing in his head increase.

Hailey didn't miss a beat. "Well hot toddy's it is then. Come on, we can start a fire", she said, ushering him inside and away from the wicked Chicago winter winds. Picking up on the way he said migraines were one of the few things that stuck with him over the years, the hint of loneliness and dejection in his voice.

"Okay", his voice cracked a little. His heart skipping a few beats when he felt Hailey's hand on the small of his back, pushing him in the house past her.

Nostalgia washed over her as she walked in his parents' house…err his house. It felt like home, even after all these years. The house looked different now, different than when they were kids. As it should, Jay had updated it over the years. Some parts of it were the same though. She paused to peek at the photos he had hanging in the hallway. Some of him and Will, his parents, what she assumed were his co-workers, Mouse, their old lab Lucy. She felt a pang of hurt in her heart when she didn't see any of her. But then again, why should there be.

"I'm sorry about your dad by the way…. And that I didn't call. I wasn't sure if you wanted me to…", she added.

"That's alright. Thank you."

She hated how awkward this was. She watched as Jay started a fire in the living room, the stone fireplace was always her favourite part of his house. They spent many, many nights watching movies in front of it, or drinking hot chocolate and warming up after a cold day playing outside.

"The picture you're looking for is around the corner in the office by the way", Jay said with a small satisfactory grin on his face, he saw her disappointment as she discreetly snooped around.

"How do you know that I'm looking for a picture?" She challenged him.

"It's been years Hails, but you still have the same tells", he pointed out, mimicking her disappointed face.

Hailey tried to hide her surprise. "How very detective of you", she joked.

"I've been reading your mind for a long time, and I don't need a badge to tell me how to do that", he raised an eyebrow and smirked victoriously.

A chill ran down her spine. After all this time, Jay still knew how to push her buttons. Hailey got up off the couch, taking a breather, heading towards the kitchen to make a hot toddy for Jay, a stiff old fashioned for herself, she sensed she was going to need it, based upon the tension between them in the house after only a few minutes.

As the kettle was boiling, she caved and quietly turned the light on in Jay's office.

Her face lit up when she immediately laid her eyes on her favourite photo of them. It was the summer before she went off to college, and before Jay left for Army training. They were sitting on the edge of the dock at his cabin up north. The sun was at the perfect golden hour, she had a University of Chicago hoodie on, he had an Army one. It was the last photo they took before their worlds changed and their once deeply connected paths hit a fork. Hailey was behind Jay, her arms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him in tight for a hug. His hands came up to rest on her forearms, well one hand on her forearm, his other sitting on top of her hand. It was still such an intimate photo to her. Jay showed his love through touch, in this photo they were more connected than they typically were at the time, like he was holding on to her and not wanting to let the life that they knew together go. His mom forced the pictures, they laughed at the time but now she was glad she did. Jay had this silly smirk on his face, Hailey's dimples wide, glancing at him like he was her world. And at the time he was, he still very well could be. His freckles littered his cheeks, as they always did by August. Things changed drastically after this, some for the better, but mostly for the worst.

She picked up the frame, gently running her thumb along the side.

"Before it all went to hell?"

She jumped, hearing Jay's voice behind her. Wondering how long he had been standing there.

It was long enough. He stared at that picture nearly every day and wondered what he could have done differently.

"Would you go back?" She asked, essentially reading his mind.

"Hmm?" He pretended that he needed clarification.

"And change anything?" She added softly, the weight of the question not lost on him.

He exhaled loudly, thinking about that for a minute.

"Yeah I would", he added definitively. "Would you?"

It took her years to realize, too many, that the person that came home from war was still Jay. Only he wasn't the asshole she thought he had turned into. He was just hurting, and that manifested itself in other ways. Ways in which that she thought had ruined their friendship, with all the built up hostility and anger.

"I would have paid more attention. When you came home", she admitted.

He looked down at his feet, trying to reign in the emotions he was suddenly feeling. He had shut everyone out when he came home, Hailey included. And treated her poorly, treated himself poorly too. It wasn't her fault things happened, she had to know that.

"I'm sorry Hailey."

"I'm sorry too, Jay."

"I wasn't ready for it back then…", he started to let his guard down, open the floodgates.

"I know", she cut him off. She knew where he was going, but she wasn't sure that she was ready.

Jay hesitated, and was about to say something, the words practically formed on his lips, just as the loud whistle of the kettle went off in the kitchen.

They stared at each other for a moment, quietly, wondering if they should continue this conversation. Jay got scared and held back what he was going to say a minute ago. Hailey knew he chickened out, and her face momentarily looked disappointed and relieved all at the same time, but she quickly collected herself and brushed by him.

"I'll go get that", she said referring to the kettle, Jay silently kicking himself for not ceasing the opportunity.

He stood there in the doorway, still a bit stunned. He turned around to her in the kitchen, planning on helping her get their drinks ready.

He really did have a wicked migraine coming on and was so not in the mood for yelling. Maybe this was for the best after all, putting a pause on the elephant in the room conversation.

"Go lie down Jay. You look pale", she said gently, as she poured the hot water in his mug.

He was still hovering over her, to the point that she thought he was for sure going to say something, he looked like he was going to explode with whatever tension was building inside of him. She knew that look all too well, his eyes and body language were telling her that he wanted and needed a hug.

She put the kettle back on the stove, and started to propel her body forward, extending her arms towards his neck.

"I don't want you...what if I'm getting sick" ...he backed up suddenly. His heart was beating out of his chest, he was sure she could hear it.

"It's alright Jay, you're just run down", she said softly, continuing to pull him close to her. She could tell he was anxious, too much so.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, encouraging him to bring his head down to meet the crook of hers. She could feel his heart pounding through his chest, so she intentionally slowed her breathing, to try and calm him down. She took a few deep breaths before she felt him truly reciprocate the hug. Her hand ran gently up and down his broad shoulder blades, and she felt his fingers tapping her lower back. She pulled apart from him when she knew he had relaxed a little, making note that he still smelled the same.

"See, I'm fine Jay. This is okay. We're adults. You don't have to be nervous around me", she bluntly told him.

He nodded, smiling, the fresh scent of lavender bombarding his senses, and mostly remembering all that once was.

Hailey sat next to him on the couch and set his mug down on the coffee table. She dug through her purse and pulled out her handy peppermint roller.

"You still carry that around huh", he said incredulously.

"Old habits die hard Jay", she deflected. He knew she only started doing that for him. It was a little satisfying to know she still did that, that she had a reminder of him in her purse all this time.

They sat on the couch for a few minutes sipping their drinks, an awkward silence forming between them, until Jay broke the ice.

"Can you do the head scratching thing" …he asked seriously, but with an underlying smirk on his face.

"Jay I'm not in the mood for playing around", Hailey half rolled her eyes.

"I'm serious Lails, my head really hurts. Please", he pleaded.

She looked at him and knew he was being serious this time. The concussions from sports, the military and work added up over the years. He paid the price for even just a small bump on the head, it always seemed to cause a massive migraine now.

"Lails. Wow haven't heard that one in a while. You must actually not feel good", she said sounding surprised and amused at the same time. She got caught up in her own train of thought for a moment, remembering something she thought was lost in her memory for good.

"Lailey! Lailey!" A four year old freckle faced Jay Halstead shouted at his neighbourhood friend Hailey Upton as their moms walked towards each other on the sidewalk, planning on taking the two to the park to play together.

"It's Hai-ley", the ever sassy young girl replied. Her own mother scolding her for correctly his speech, Jay had tried so hard to get her name right, but he was still working on it. He looked frustrated for a second, before he gave her a mischievous grin, knowing that bugged her.

"Okay, Lai-ley", Jay chirped back, sticking out his tongue, getting a rise out of teasing his platinum blonde pig-tailed friend.

It had just stuck as a nickname since then, long after Jay grew out of his slight speech impediment. He would still call her Lailey or Lails as they got older, when he wanted to get under her skin. Then it just eventually evolved into a term of endearment, one that grew on her and she secretly loved.

Hailey shuddered at the flashback she just had, her brain putting that part of her childhood and that part of her relationship with Jay in a metaphorical box and locking it tightly away again. She shook herself out of it, just in time to hear Jay's reply, not wanting to give him the satisfaction that she was reminiscing on their younger days.

"I really don't", he admitted, sighing loudly as he exhaled, cradling his head in his hands as he sat leaning forward on the couch.

"Okay, come here", she caved and put a hand on his back to alert him. She gestured for him to lie down on the pillow she set on her lap.

He looked at her with a twinkle in his eye as he excitedly grabbed a blanket and gently laid down on his back, Hailey protectively cradling his head and neck in her hand until she knew he was in the right spot.

She grabbed the ice pack sitting on the coffee table that Jay must have taken out of the freezer and gently set it over his eyes. He sucked in air at how cold it was, she immediately took it off his forehead.

"Is this okay? Or too cold?" She asked.

"It's okay. It feels good, I was just surprised at how cold it was", he explained.

"Okay", she hummed. She started by running her hand through Jay's hair, her fingertips massaging his scalp. Alternating that between scratching the top of his head and gently pulling at his hair, for some reason he liked that, and it made him feel better. He was quiet for a minute or so, soaking this in. He was sure it was some sort of placebo effect in his brain, but absolutely nothing made his headaches feel better than Hailey doing this, it had been years. He thought about her every time he had one, wishing she was there to make it go away.

"You know it's not the same if you don't do the song" … briefly removing the ice pack as he grinned with one eye open.

Hailey snorted at that, she almost forgot about this part of the routine. She had been doing this for him since they were teenagers. Jay would beg for Hailey to sing ridiculous songs to distract him when his head was pounding, anything to take his mind off the fact that it felt like an ice pick was digging into his skull. Eventually, Hailey settled on one rap song in particular, a hit with Jay. It made him, and her, laugh every time.

"Right, let's see if I still remember how to do this", she cleared her throat and started singing an acoustic rendition of "Get Low", by Lil John. The two of them were laughing together in no time.

"You know I don't think either of our bosses would appreciate the vulgar music we listen to", Hailey told him.

"My boss curses like a sailor and trust me has done much worse than singing some harmless motherfuckers here and there in a rap song" Jay admitted with a chuckle.

"How about you? Rap music not a good look for a big shot attorney like yourself?" Jay asked.

Hailey smirked. "You know what my taste in music is. Once a gangster, always a gangster Jay."

"Fair", Jay laughed with his eyes closed.

"So how did you hurt yourself this time?" Hailey asked, expecting an elaborate story.

"Promise not to laugh?" Jay asked.

"Always", Hailey confirmed.

"I was grabbing something out of the breakroom kitchen at lunch, underneath the sink. I came up too fast and smacked my head on the corner of the drawer. And then I had to be outside in the rain all day, and now I just feel bleh", he explained.

Hailey put her hand over her mouth, trying to keep from laughing. She shouldn't laugh, she had done that before, and it was painful.

"You said you wouldn't laugh!" Jay pretended to be hurt.

"I know, I know I'm sorry. You're right it's not funny, that sounds painful." She ran her hand underneath the back of his head, finding a lump. He instantly jumped when she did that.

"Ouch!" He yelped.

"Sorry, sorry. It's just swollen back here; you'll probably have a goose egg", she replied.

"Oh, I know, I feel it forming", Jay said, not surprised.

"Do you want to switch the ice there?" Hailey suggested.

"Yes please", Jay replied.

"Okay lift your head a bit", Hailey helped support his neck as he raised it off the pillow slightly.

He relaxed back down, the ice feeling good on the growing lump protruding from his scalp.

He found Hailey's hand and immediately linked his pinky finger to hers, something they used to do all the time as kids to signify a promise, or even just while they were sitting down watching TV. That was a weird quirk Jay had, always wanting to touch hands.

"Really going down memory lane today huh", Hailey joked, but didn't pull her hand away.

"Just trying to pretend that things are still normal between us", he softly admitted.

Hailey felt a twinge of sadness at that, she wanted so badly for things to be how they used to between them. She thought about him almost every single day.

"Things can be normal again Jay", she whispered, stroking his hair.

He felt hopeful at that, he missed Hailey more than anything else. He missed her presence in his life, the laughter, the consistency, the comfort she always gave him when he needed it most.

He went to say something, to admit a deep part of his heart, but she spoke first.

"Get some rest okay, we can talk about this later", she whispered psychically, running her thumb across the back of his hand.

He nodded, his eyes feeling heavy, letting out a yawn. It was about to be the best sleep he had in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh hope you liked this so far! Changing things up and writing Hailey & Jay in a different way. I promise it will make sense eventually. Writing this story has made me feel quite vulnerable so far, but has been a nice outlet. Would love to hear your thoughts, or predictions on where this is going :) Have a great week, stay safe and healthy - K


	3. Start at the beginning

Chapter 2

Morning came, the embers of the fire still glowing in the soft sunrise light. 

Hailey was stretched out next to Jay, she had somehow ended up lying down next to him with a blanket tucked over her shoulder. 

She felt him stir next to her, grumbling as he rolled over to face her. 

“How are you feeling?” Hailey asked, knowing he spent most of the night sound asleep with his cheek pressed against her shoulder, something that was rare for him back when she was friends with him last.

“Better actually”, Jay said rubbing his temples, evaluating his headache.

“Good, let me see the back of your head”, Hailey coaxed him to sit up so she could check the goose egg.

Jay winced a little when she touched it but didn’t have complaints otherwise. “The ice helped I think”, he confirmed, feeling it himself. 

“It looks like the swelling has gone down anyways”, Hailey fished out the ice pack that had fallen in between the cushions on the couch through the night. 

“Thanks.” He smiled at her, a look in his eyes that she couldn’t place. Gratitude? Embarrassment? Nervousness? It hurt her heart a little bit that she couldn’t read his cues or his mind as well anymore. 

He was thinking the same thing, staring back at her. Only, what was going through his mind was that Hailey showed him a kindness last night that he didn’t think he deserved from her. 

They sat on the couch for a few minutes, still waking up, not discussing the precarious position they found themselves in this morning. As kids and teenagers, they did this once in a while, it was never weird. But now was a different story. After everything that had happened between them and all the time that had passed, this felt different, significant, as if they were teetering on a dangerous line. 

They were so deep in each other’s thoughts and presence that Jay didn’t hear the front door lock being wiggled open until it was too late.

“Jay?!” Will called out. “Sorry I know it’s early, but I had to drop off that speaker I borrowed before I head in for my shift…”

He stopped mid-sentence when he saw a blonde ponytail hanging over the side of the couch. He froze, thinking he just interrupted something super awkward for his brother.

“Sorry…I didn’t realize. Sorry”, Will stammered trying not to look.   
Jay wished he could have taken a picture of his brother’s face when the mystery blonde ponytail revealed herself and turned towards Will.

Pure shock. “Hailey?!” Will exclaimed, looking from her to Jay, a smile instantly forming across his face, masking the initial surprise of who had spent the night on the couch with Jay. 

“Hi Will”, Hailey said sheepishly, sitting up and rubbing her eyes to wake up.

He immediately walked over to the couch to give her a hug, not even thinking twice to see if they were clothed or not, he didn’t care about that. He had doubts that was the situation he was walking into but with these two he honestly didn’t know. Hailey being here was a huge wild card.

He half picked her up off the couch, squeezed her hard, holding her in. He missed seeing Hailey around, she was a big part of his childhood and growing up too.

“How long are you in town for?” Will asked, eyeing the two of them. Something clearly happened here last night, what, he wasn’t totally sure yet.

“About that…just until Monday but…”, Hailey looked towards Jay, they didn’t really get a chance to talk about that since he wasn’t feeling great last night.

The Halstead boys looked at her in anticipation. 

“I actually just got offered a job at a firm downtown. I have to let them know by next week”, she smiled.

Jay couldn’t contain his excitement, what that would potentially mean for them.

“Seriously? You should have said something! That’s amazing, congrats Hails”, Jay replied.

“I know, I was getting to that and then you weren’t feeling great, so I was going to tell you this morning”, she added.

“What’s wrong with you?” Will asked concerned, only focusing in on the Jay wasn’t feeling great part of her statement.

“It’s nothing Will I’m fine. I had a bad headache last night, it’s gone now”, Jay smiled softly at Hailey.

Judging by his messy hair, he suspected he weaseled his way into a famous Hailey Upton head massage and that’s why he was feeling better. Migraines ran in the family; he had his fair share of help from her over the years too. The head scratching thing was always more their thing, but when it got really bad for Will at times, she stepped in. Magic cure. Will checked his watch, “Listen I have to run. Hailey great news that you’re potentially moving home, happy for you, we’ve missed you around here. Keep me posted. Sunday dinner?”  
She laughed, “You guys still do that?” She asked in half disbelief.

Sunday dinners at the Halstead’s were a staple for her growing up. Her own family life was a bit complicated…their parents knew that and always invited her over for some stability. Hailey’s parents were always at the restaurant working anyways so it didn’t matter to them that she was spending time with someone else’s family every Sunday.

Jay’s mom always went all out on Sunday’s. Her reasoning was that it was the only day of the week everyone was home together, typically, and it was a time to relax and catch up on the week’s events. When they were young, they would tell jokes or talk about school. As they got older it evolved into sports, politics and any other current events in their lives. But one thing always stayed the same. Mrs. Halstead would always make a roast with all of the fixings and a delicious pie or dessert of some sort. Hailey secretly tried to emulate that with her friends in New York, but they just didn’t seem to get the importance or symbolism behind it like she did. 

“Of course, we still do that, well not every Sunday because of our shifts. But we try as much as we can”, Will’s face sunk for a second, missing their parents was hard. But they tried to keep it up as much as they could. 

“I’ll bring the pie”, Hailey replied, the boys taking that as her accepting their invitation. For some reason, suddenly Jay felt a little nervous. 

After Will left, Hailey and Jay stood awkwardly in the living room.

“So…. you slept over last night”, Jay said stating the obvious.

“I did. And I should get going, need to head back to my hotel”, Hailey replied neutrally, trying not to make a big deal out of things.

“You’re staying at a hotel? You know you can stay here if you need to…”, Jay put the offer out there, finding it silly she was paying for a hotel in the city.

Hailey smiled, “Thanks Jay. Work is paying for it though, so it doesn’t matter.”

“Okay”, he said cautiously, with a smile.

“So”

“Well I better- “, Hailey and Jay spoke at the same time. 

“I better get going”, Hailey replied softly, but awkwardly. 

“It was really good to see you Hails”, a slight crack in Jay’s voice snuck out as he chewed his bottom lip.

“We should talk later”, Hailey said, the tone of her voice switching to a more serious one, Jay knew what was coming. The migraine just prolonged the blow out they were going to have.

“Yeah, we should”, he nervously rubbed the back of his head. “I guess a headache can’t save me again tonight. It was kind of nice…you and me, just like old times. But I know we have to talk about this eventually”, he exhaled, and motioned between them.

Hailey smiled reluctantly. “Saved by the head scratch. Take it easy today alright? Just rest, drink lots of water.” Hailey replied automatically, knowing Jay liked to push himself, he always felt tired the day after a bad migraine.

He nodded, intending on taking her advice. “I will, thanks.”

She turned to leave the house when Jay called out to her. 

“Wait, I, I don’t even have your phone number”, he said sheepishly. 

“Are you asking for my number Jay Halstead?” Hailey replied, her inner fiery attitude coming through.

Jay thought he saw a little sparkle in her eye, “Yeah, I am.”

She grabbed his phone from his outstretched hand and put her number in. 

“I’ll call you later”, he replied, taking his phone back.

“Sounds good”, she half smiled and left.

The second the front door was closed she let out a huge breath that she didn’t know she was holding in, feeling a rush of emotions coarse through her veins. She paused before heading back to her rental car. She was in deep trouble.

Little did she know Jay was doing the same thing on the other side of the door. His back against the solid oak frame, pondering if he would be able to survive a second time if Hailey came in and out of his life again.

XX

Jay had been fidgeting all afternoon, ignoring the barrage of text messages he was receiving from Will.

WHAT DID I WALK IN ON THIS MORNING?!  
JAY. I KNOW YOU CAN SEE THESE. I HAVE QUESTIONS AND NEED ANSWERS.  
IS THIS A THING AGAIN?? HOW DID YOU EVEN GET A HOLD OF HER DID YOU STEAL HER NUMBER FROM MY PHONE?

The closest Will had ever got to calling him out about Hailey in recent years.

Jay laughed at that one, honestly if he was in Will’s shoes, he would have a lot of questions for him too. He decided to text him back and put him out of his misery.

Ran into her randomly at a coffee shop yesterday. Spent all night after work searching around the neighbourhood for her, found her on the front step last night waiting for me. I felt like shit, so she took care of me for a bit and we fell asleep on the couch. Nothing happened.

This is my favourite love story of all time. What are you guys going to do? Are you going to ask her to take the job and stay in Chicago?

Jay thought about it, that was in a roundabout way what he was planning on doing, well what he was hoping she would decide too.

I don’t know Will, we’re talking tonight. We need to clear the air about some things.

Ahh I see, so no Molly’s?

Not tonight, have to rip the band aid at some point.

True, okay well good luck. Keep me posted if I need to set the table for 2 or 3 tomorrow.

Jay didn’t love the slight lack of confidence Will had in him regarding the looming conversation with Hailey. But based on their track record, he couldn’t blame him. He plopped himself down on the couch again, resting his head on the pillow she slept on last night. He inhaled and smiled, the familiar smell of her perfume lingering behind. She had been wearing the same brand since high school, he could pick it out anywhere. It was comforting and stress-inducing at the same time. They were finally going to hash things out.

XX

Will took a swig of a fresh beer as he sat at a table at Molly’s with Kim, Adam, and Kevin. 

“Jay didn’t want to join us tonight?” Adam asked.

“No, he was meeting up with an old friend tonight”, Will stated, not wanting to give away too much, he wasn’t sure what his brother’s coworkers knew.

“Is it Hailey?” Kim asked innocently.

Will nearly choked on his beer. “Umm, yeah, actually it is. How do you know about that?” He asked curiously. As far as he knew, Jay never spoke about Hailey to anyone.

“We were with him at the coffee shop yesterday morning. He was out to lunch the rest of the day. It was bizarre”, Kim replied.  
“Yeah, Hailey does that to him”, Will confirmed.

“So, what’s the deal with them anyways? High school sweethearts or what? He seemed spooked as hell after we saw her”, Adam prodded.

“High school sweethearts?” Will scoffed. “More like grade school. Those two have been attached at the hip for as long as I can remember…well up until the last little while…”, Will trailed off, knowing he was treading into dangerous waters. 

“Define the last little while…”, Kevin added.

“More than 5 years less than 10?” Will guessed. “I’m unsure of the exact timeline to be honest…I think there have been some grey areas over the years if you will”, he tilted his head back, taking another sip of beer.

“Ten years is a bit more than a while Will”, Adam shook his head, confused. Up until this morning, his friends had no idea about this mystery woman, he never spoke of her. But based on what Will was saying, she was a huge part of his childhood, his teenage years, his adulthood. It’s like Jay was living a double life this entire time. 

“Yeah well, I guess you’re right. I’m not sure that Jay has ever forgiven himself for what happened, or fully gotten over Hailey. Even with Erin…She was a nice distraction for a few years there. I liked Erin, I thought they might end up together, but you guys know how that played out…”, the table raised their eyebrows, confirming the obvious.

Will continued. “He was a mess afterwards. But not as nearly as badly as the Hailey fallout… I mean I’m talking I flew home from New York during my residency one weekend because he was so distraught on the phone. He was really, really in a bad place after that. He hides it well now, but every once in a while, if I catch him napping on the couch, he’s always whispering her name in his sleep.” The table was so captivated by Will’s words, even as he trailed off quietly at the end, hanging on to every little piece of information that they could. Will paused, doing some daydreaming and reminiscing of his own, shaking his head to bring himself back to the present.

“Even after all this time?” Kim asked curiously, she was on the edge of her seat, had goosebumps. This felt like an epic once in a lifetime love story. She had no idea Jay had this sort of past up until 24 ish hours ago, it was intriguing. And a lot of things made sense now. The extreme aversion to going out for Greek food, blushing when Kim teased him for staring at pretty blondes every once in a while, refusing to go to NYC for a weekend trip with the unit. It was because this thing with Hailey hurt him so much, and he had done everything in his power to rid his mind of things that reminded him of her, to protect himself. It was sad really, Kim thought.

Will grinned, staring down at his empty glass. “I’ve said too much. Just know that Jay and Hailey love each other very much, they always have, I think even to this day. But this conversation never happened. He would kill me for telling you guys any of this.”

Kim, Adam and Kevin nodded in agreement; Jay was a private person. They understood and respected that, now more than ever. 

XX

Meanwhile, back at home, Jay sat nervously on the couch, checking his watch every few minutes, waiting for Hailey to show up. He had texted her an hour ago, inviting her over to have some drinks and talk. She agreed and told him she would text him when she was on her way.

He hadn’t heard from her yet and it was making him anxious. What if she didn’t show? What if she had decided to go back to New York and had no intention of making things right between them? He was getting in his own head, playing out all the potential scenarios when he heard the soft turn of the knob of his front door, familiar footsteps following it.

“Jay?” She called out. 

“Hey”, he said poking his head out around the corner of the kitchen.

“Sorry I’m late, something came up at work, had to take an unexpected call”, she explained.

“That’s alright”, he said neutrally, not wanting to show his hand, give away his nerves.

“Wine?” He changed the subject.

“Please”, she hung her coat up in the hall closet and joined him in the living room.

They sat awkwardly on the couch, the same couch they had slept on together last night. But that was then, and this was now. Jay took a deep breath.

“So, I guess we should do this then”, he set his wine glass down and shifted his body to face Hailey.

She smiled and chewed the inside of her cheek nervously. She could hear her heartbeat thumping in her chest. She had thought about this moment for a long time, when they would reunite, what they would say to one another. Now that the moment was here, she had the urge to turn away and run. It had been an effective strategy for the greater part of the last decade for them.

“Yes, we have to”, she said quietly, accepting the fact that the time had come to air out their dirty laundry.

When she saw Jay through the coffee shop window yesterday morning, an old fire lit within her. She felt so angry, all of the unresolved feelings she had about them bubbled to the surface, ones that she hadn’t thought of in years. She was determined to scream and yell at him and tell him what she really thought. She had replayed this scenario in her mind over and over, but when she saw his face last night on the front porch, she knew he didn’t have it in him to fight with her. Jay was a kind-hearted person, by nature he was a helper, a gentle soul. He had made mistakes, they both had. She didn’t know if she had it in her to be angry anymore.

“I kind of want you to yell at me, it might be easier. I deserve it”, he said with a small voice, breaking the ice.

“You know, I’ve thought about this moment for a long time Jay, what I would say to you if we ever had the chance to hash this out, move forward. And trust me, a lot of yelling and anger was involved in every imaginary scenario that played out in my head”, Hailey started. 

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, and letting you go is the top of my list”, he blurted out before she could say anything else. She paused, her mouth dropping at his shaky, but bold statement. 

The silence was deafening. She could see the tears building in his eyes, knowing that he carried the same heartbreak, guilt and sadness that she did. He looked at her and she nearly crumbled, her walls weakening.

“We were just kids Jay”, Hailey whispered, softly resting her hand on the back of his head, her thumb tenderly moving through his hair over his goose egg from yesterday, feeling a lump form in her throat. Her heart physically hurt at the thought of how their relationship had changed and slipped away from them over the years. She hated what happened and how both of their worlds were turned upside down from there. 

“I know”, he choked out.

His eyes pierced her soul, just like they always did. They were the same shade of green that she always remembered, the skin around them a little older, with more creases as they had aged. His carried a certain undertone of fatigue and pain in them, it made her sad. That he was no longer the bright eyed Jay Halstead that she had grown up with, and eventually grown apart from. His eyes carried secrets that he had refused to burden her with, pain that he kept locked in, only for himself. There was a time where she wished that he would just unload on her, let it all out, let her help him carry it. She had tried that, many times, and it had been unsuccessful. But sitting here now, she realized that maybe there was hope that they could find their way back still.

“Where should we start?” Hailey put it out there, in her mind there was an obvious place to pick this up from, but she knew deep down they had to go back in time first.

“I guess we should start at the beginning”, Jay took a deep breath as his earliest memories of Hailey flooded his mind.

XX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, first of all thank you for all of the feedback on this story so far! I know I’ve been quite mysterious with the plot thus far, but I’m hoping it will be worth it once we get into things. This chapter was to set the stage a bit, give some more back story and angst of course! So excited for the shows to come back this Wednesday. Happy Sunday and happy reading! -K


	4. Wisdom Teeth & Front Porches

Chapter 3

The Upton’s and the Halstead’s lived on the same street for as long as Hailey and Jay could remember. They grew up together, went to grade school and high school in the same neighbourhood. Jay had Will, and Hailey had her brothers Nick and Mike. Nick was the eldest, a year older than Mike, and Mike was a year older than Hailey, just like Will was to Jay. Naturally, Will, Mike and Nick became friends, Jay and Hailey following suit shortly after. Their other neighbour Greg was also a huge part of their lives, Jay, Hailey and Greg were inseparable.

Their childhood was incredible. They would run down to each other’s houses to call on the other to ride bikes, play soccer at the park and hockey in the winter, amongst other activities. Summers were always spent up at the Halstead cabin, swimming, boating, star gazing. Looking back, she couldn’t have imagined anything better. She was so lucky. Hailey was the only girl in their crew, a label she eventually took pride in. Growing up, the boys did their fair share of teasing her, but never excluding her. They always let her play sports with them, and she eventually became the best soccer player out of the bunch. It made her tough, and taught her to know her worth, to never let anyone boss her around or talk down to her because she was a woman. Hailey was a true tomboy. She was never into doing “girly” things, wearing dresses, the colour pink, she despised that. She was much more comfortable playing in the dirt, wearing jeans or playing sports. Jay always saw her as one of the boys, his best friend, and never questioned it.

That was until middle school, when natural changes started taking place and he really took notice of Hailey. There was a brief period of time when he had a crush on her, but never told her. Little did he know, she was feeling the same way. A moment missing in time.

By the time they got to high school, their relationship and dynamic had remained steady. They had never acted on their feelings for one another, internally deciding that it wasn’t worth the risk of losing each other as a friend. They never spoke about it, but both knew what the other was thinking. It came to a peak one night in the 10th grade, Hailey had been asked out by a guy named Steven. He was in the 11th grade, Jay played hockey with him and he was in Will’s year. Overall, nice guy, not a mean bone in his body. But there was something about it that boiled his blood, why would he go after Hailey? Couldn’t he get with someone his own age? What did her brother Mike think about this? Apparently very little according to Will, he never got involved in Hailey’s love life.

“Sounds like you’re jealous”, Will pointed out one night after dinner.

“What? No, that’s not it”, Jay replied defensively. 

“Mhmm, kinda sounds like you are”, Will chirped back, knowing this was a sore spot for his brother.

“That’s enough Will”, their mother jumped to Jay’s defense, seeing the redness spread across his cheeks. She too had her own theories on whether or not Jay and Hailey had feelings for each other.

Will laughed and rolled his eyes, seeing Jay get embarrassed was enough confirmation for him, so he left it. 

As time went on, Jay and Hailey had become somewhat distant. She had been dating Steven for a few months and seemed happy. Jay on the other hand, was miserable. They still walked to school every day together but didn’t talk as much. It made his heart hurt. Where there used to be happiness, laughter, closeness, was now replaced with awkwardness, silence, unspoken thoughts. 

“Are you mad at me?” Hailey finally asked him one day. 

He snapped out of his daze, “What? No.”

“Well it sort of seems like it, you’ve been…distant…lately”, she treaded slowly.

Jay’s expression softened, that was the last thing he wanted her to think. “I know, you’re right I have been. I’m sorry. Just this thing with Steven…didn’t want him to think…you know.”

Hailey rolled her eyes. “Seriously Jay. That’s what this is about. Steven doesn’t think there’s anything going on between us, he knows we’re just friends. Let’s not make this weird okay, you’re my best friend. Friends again?” She extended her arms out for a truce hug.

“Friends”, Jay replied with a fake smile, knowing that in his heart he wanted more.

XX

The next week went okay for the two friends, Jay was making an effort to like Steven, who he had to admit, was a nice guy, and good to Hailey. 

Thursday came at school, Jay reminding Hailey that she would have to walk alone tomorrow morning, he was getting his wisdom teeth out with Will.

“Have fun”, Hailey joked, knowing Jay hated the dentist.

Jay gulped.

“It’s going to be alright Jay”, she softened, touching his arm to comfort him. 

“I know”, he took a deep breath, leaving it at that.

“I’ll come visit tomorrow after school, kay?” She told him, he smiled and turned towards his house.

XX

If anything, the next morning was the opposite of alright. Will had a bad reaction to being put under, he was throwing up at the dentist’s office and all the way home. Jay was feeling okay, just out of it, and sore. Their poor mom was in for an afternoon. She had taken the day off work to look after her boys, which she was thankful she arranged in advance. She was a nurse and was more than capable of taking care of them. She brought them ice packs, pain meds, and tucked them in for a nap. She was truly a saint, Jay and Will were so lucky to have her as a mom.

Will was a mess the rest of the day, Jay tried to sleep it off but was in a lot of pain too. When their dad, Pat, came home around dinner he was already on their case about milking this too much, calling them babies. 

“Pat enough. Just leave them to rest”, Katherine Halstead scolded her husband. She rarely got angry or had words with anyone, but when it came to Will and Jay, she was very protective.

“Relax Kate, I was only kidding, right boys? You’re okay”, Pat came over to the couch and gave them each a shoulder squeeze, a very rare display of affection from him.

Will and Jay just groaned and mumbled something back to him, sleeping soundly the rest of the evening. 

Hailey had knocked on the door later that night, but the boys had already gone to bed. Kate told her to come back tomorrow to visit, which she happily agreed to. She originally made plans to see Steven on Saturday but decided that this was more important. She told Jay that Steven didn’t feel any sort of way towards him, that he knew they were just friends. That was definitely a lie, Steven was extremely jealous of Jay. Hailey bringing him up all the time, spending a lot of time together, the classic girl-guy best friend pairing. It was a recipe for relationship disaster. Hailey had tried to smooth things over as of late, and she could tell Jay was making an effort to include Steven in things too, but she knew he didn’t like him. Deep down she really needed Jay’s approval with Steven, and if she didn’t or couldn’t get it… well. 

“Let’s put it this way Steven, if you forced me to choose between you or Jay you wouldn’t like the answer”, Hailey replied angrily after yet another argument with her boyfriend. Ultimatum, who does he think he is…she thought to herself. Steven rolled his eyes, said he was joking, but quietly changed the subject and moved on, they were on thin ice.

Saturday morning came, Hailey rolled out of bed early and made herself some toast for breakfast. The phone rang shortly after she was done eating, Kate on the other end.

“Morning Hailey my girl”, Kate’s calm, affectionate voice flooding through the speaker. Since she had no girls of her own, she always said Hailey was the daughter she never had.

“Good morning Mrs. Halstead”, Hailey replied.

“You know you can call me Kate; it’s been long enough. Mrs. Halstead sounds like an old lady, Pat’s mother to be exact”, she joked. 

“Right, okay Kate”, Hailey giggled on the other end.  
“Listen I have a huge favour to ask. Pat is away at work already, and I just got called in. They’re really short staffed at the hospital. Are you able to come over today to watch Will and Jay? If you have plans that’s alright, I’m sure they can manage on their own, Will just had a really tough time yesterday, I would prefer it if someone kept an eye on them”, Kate asked.

“Of course! I’ll be over in 20”, Hailey jumped at the chance. Things with Jay were a bit weird right now, but she was willing to put that aside. Will sounded like he needed some TLC. She secretly hoped Jay did too. 

“Okay thanks so much, I owe you one!” 

They hung up, Hailey thinking she didn’t need anything, extra time with Jay, vulnerable, tired, hurting Jay, was enough. 

“Who were you just yelling to on the phone?” Her brother Mike groggily asked as he made his way into the kitchen for breakfast ten minutes later.

“Hmm, no one?” Hailey tried to cover it up, not wanting Mike to know Steven just blew his cool when Hailey told him she was ditching him for Jay today. 

Mike rubbed his eyes, “Must have imagined that.”

“You’re still half asleep”, Hailey grinned, fooling her brother entirely. “Listen I’m going over to hang out with Will and Jay today. Rough wisdom teeth situation…Kate just called.”

“Alright, sounds good. Tell them I hope they feel better”, Mike replied, yawning his way through his cereal. 

“I’m going to see Jay and Will”, Hailey shouted up the stairs to her parents before she left, not that they really cared. They would be at the restaurant all day and night anyways. 

Hailey shook her head and laughed as she made her way out the door, brothers, so oblivious. That she was grateful for, especially when it came to matters of the heart. Turns out, she didn’t need an ultimatum, she would pick Jay today, tomorrow and every day after that. Steven could interpret that how he’d like.

XX

There was a chill in the air, fall was here in Chicago. Hailey zipped her coat up even higher to make the short walk down the street to the Halstead’s. 

She knocked and opened the front door to let herself in. 

“Hi!”, She shouted out to no one in particular.

“Hi honey”, Kate greeted her at the door, already in her scrubs, looking like she was in a rush.  
“Sorry to do this last minute, there’s a bug going around the hospital”, she hurried to get her coat on.

“No trouble at all, I didn’t have plans today anyways”, Hailey brushed that part of the story off.

“Good. Will had an okay night, he’s stopped vomiting for now, I think. Just make sure he drinks a lot of fluids today; he’s dehydrated a bit. Jay was in pain last night, maybe just make sure he stays on top of his meds, ice packs in the freezer for both of them. 20 minutes on!” Kate rambled instructions while Hailey took her coat and shoes off, poking her head around the corner to see where the brothers were.

“If they want food, you know where everything is…soft stuff only though”, she added.

“Got it. I’ll call you if anything changes”, Hailey replied. 

“You are the best, you know that. Help yourself to anything you want, you know we think of you as family here. These two are lucky to have you, Jay especially”, she said that with a twinkle in her eyes. Hailey blushed a little and bit her lip before letting out a shy smile.

“They’re in their bedrooms by the way”, Kate winked and left as quickly as Hailey came in. 

Hailey wasn’t sure what that meant, but she suddenly felt nervous. Sure, she had been in Jay’s bedroom before, plenty of times. But not recently, they stopped doing that the older they got. It was just a strange place to be in Hailey’s mind, especially once they started dating other people. Well, she didn’t even know if she was dating someone anymore. But Jay didn’t need to find that out today.

She quietly went up the stairs, intentionally avoiding all the spots that creaked, she knew this house almost as well as her own.

First, she poked her head in Will’s room, to her surprise he was awake.

“Hey”, she whispered as she stepped inside.

He looked at her funny at first, then registering her face. “Hey Hails”, he mumbled.

“How are you feeling?” She asked.

He gave her a “so-so” motion with his hands. “Your mom asked me to come babysit today”, Hailey giggled, earning a smile out of Will.

“Do you need anything?” 

He shook his head, indicating that the ice packs were still cold.

“Okay, let me know if you do. Get some rest”, she said quietly as she shut the door and made her way down the hall to Jay.

She took a deep breath, reminding herself it was just Jay. She had been in here countless times before; this was super normal. Everyone needed some care after their wisdom teeth.

She knocked, not getting a reply. She waited a second, knocked again and announced that it was her, and that she was coming in. 

She sighed in relief; Jay was sleeping soundly, fully clothed. She approached the side of the bed he was sleeping on, gently sitting herself down on the mattress. She reached out to put a hand on his shoulder, still with no reaction from Jay. He was breathing, she knew that much, mouth breathing more specifically. His cheeks were pretty swollen, he reminded her of a cute chipmunk.

She was feeling bold, so she gently cupped his cheek, rubbing her thumb along his under eye. He was such a deep sleeper. That got a reaction out of him though, she smiled. He started to come to, opening his eyes, finding Hailey’s eyes staring right back at him.

“Hey kid”, she joked.

He groaned, the pain shooting through his jaw, he closed his eyes again, his forehead scrunching up in discomfort.

When she saw that, she lost her joking, playful demeanour. Jay was not looking so hot.

“Hey, it’s alright. What can I do?” She asked, knowing that even though they were in a weird place in their friendship right now, she still hated seeing him in pain. 

Jay attempted to sit up, his arms feeling a bit weak. Hailey was there to support his back and help prop him up on pillows. He let out a breath he was holding in, wincing at how much his face still hurt.

“I’m going to go grab you some ice okay?” Hailey asked gently, he managed to nod his head at that.

She left the room and hurried downstairs. She grabbed an ice pack from the freezer, a glass of water and some ibuprofen that their mom left on the counter. They had already had other meds not too long ago.

“It’s the strongest you can have right now”, she read his mind as she saw the pleading look in Jay’s eyes for something else.

“Here”, she handed him the medicine and held the glass of water up so he could take a small sip.   
He nodded gratefully and eased himself back into the pillows. Hailey held up the icepacks to his cheeks, one on either side. Jay brought one of his hands up and set it on top of hers. She froze for a minute, his warms hand sending a chill down her spine, her heart racing in her chest.

“I can grab this one”, he whispered, Hailey blushing, realizing she got the signal wrong.

“Okay”, she replied, playing it off. 

“We can hold hands another time, when I’m feeling better”, Jay added, knowing he had her.

Hailey bit the side of her lip, not knowing how to respond to that. So, she replied with her default coping strategy, humour. 

“Yeah, you wish Halstead”, they both chuckled, spending the rest of the 20 minutes in silence.

XX

Throughout the day, both boys seemed to rally a bit. Will wasn’t as nauseous the longer the anesthetic was out of his system. Jay was okay, still swollen and uncomfortable but that was to be expected. Both of them had made their way downstairs after lunch, Hailey had just been doing homework all morning in the living room and going upstairs to check on them periodically.

“Well, well, well if it isn’t my two favourite Halstead’s”, Hailey smiled, they were both in track pants and hoodies, blankets wrapped around their shoulders, ice packs in hand.

“Mmmm”, Jay groaned, Will mumbled something of the same.

“Come here”, Hailey patted the two spots of the couch next to her, she was taking the middle. “We can watch a movie.”

Both boys nodded, plopping themselves down next to her. They didn’t get too far in when she felt Jay’s head slip onto her shoulder, she smiled.

Hailey started heating some leftover chili for dinner a couple hours later when she heard a commotion from the living room. 

Jay was standing up off the couch. 

“What’s wrong?” Hailey asked confused.

“Aaa-aaa-choo”, Will sneezed into his sleeve. 

Hailey looked at him, even more confused. That was until Will sneezed again, his nose looking runny after his nap, sniffles followed. Hailey nodded her head in understanding.

Jay was a huge germaphobe. To the point where if anyone had so much of a sniffle, he would avoid them for a week. If Will was coming down with a cold this was going to set him over the edge, being stuck inside with him for the next few days.

Hailey rolled her eyes, handing Will a tissue box from the coffee table. “Relax Jay, maybe it’s just allergies.”

“In October?? He has a cold, look at him”, he replied back. 

“It was only a sneeze or two Jay”, she half joked. Jay didn’t like that. 

“Doe, he’s right, I thinck I’b catching a, AAACHOO, a cold”, Will wiped his nose, looking a little miserable, still sporting a devilish grin though, knowing Jay would hate this.

“Really Will”, Hailey sighed, she knew he was egging him on.

“Wha?” He looked at her, already sounding congested. Swollen cheeks were not going to make his sinuses feel good either.

“Jay, for once, just be nice. He’s not feeling good”, Hailey went over to cover Will with a blanket on the couch, feeling his forehead in the process, not too warm.

“When your nose is dripping like his in a few days, I want you to remember this”, Jay said, his attempt at a threat. Hailey laughed to herself as Jay retreated up to his room, taking his chili and some Lysol wipes with him. The immaturity always made an appearance at the first sign of a sniffle from anyone.

Hailey brought Will in some chili and sat with him until he dozed off again in front of the TV. She brought out another box of tissues as he had gone through most of them in the first hour, the skin under his nose looking red and raw already. He sniffled and sneezed his way through the rest of the movie they were watching and fell asleep on the couch.

Kate and Pat arrived home not too long after, Hailey filling them in on their day, pain and swelling were under control, but now Will had a cold. 

“Naturally Jay is upstairs hiding in his room”, Hailey mentioned, Kate nodding, knowing Jay’s aversion to germs.

“Thank you, Hailey, enjoy the rest of your weekend”, she gave her a hug and walked her to the door. Hailey didn’t bother going upstairs to say bye to Jay, she knew she wouldn’t be allowed in anyways because of her close proximity to Will. 

XX

Sure enough, Monday morning rolled around. Hailey’s alarm went off for school, but when she opened her eyes, she immediately felt the tickle in the back of her throat, her sinuses already clogged. She coughed as she sat up, silently cursing Will, she had caught his cold after all. On top of that, Steven called her yesterday, they met up and he ended things. She was a bit surprised, but not. And even less upset than she thought, maybe it was for the best. Nonetheless, not a great 24 hours.

She went downstairs quickly to grab some orange juice and a tissue box of her own, informing her mother that she wouldn’t be going to school today, no questions asked based on her scratchy voice. She didn’t want to give Jay the satisfaction so she told her brothers to let him know she was sick and wouldn’t be at school. 

She passed the day by napping and watching movies. She was just about to muster the strength to shower when she heard her doorbell ring. Everyone else was at school or work, so she wasn’t sure who it could be. She almost didn’t answer it when she checked to see who was on the other side.

“Did you come here to gloat Jay?” Hailey said with a tissue in hand. 

“No. came to bring you some soup”, he gestured to the container in his hands. 

“I wouldn’t want you to get sick”, she said slightly sarcastically, blocking him from entering.

“Damage is already done, I live with Will, and apparently you on the weekends too”, he said, sounding back to himself, his usual chipper sense of humour. 

She rolled her eyes, but let him in. Well he practically let himself in, she just moved out of the way to make a path as he headed towards her kitchen.

“How are you feeling?” He asked as he brought out a bowl of chicken noodle to her.

“Miserable”, Hailey whispered, rubbing her sinuses to ease the pressure.

Jay put a hand on her back, pointing to the soup in front of her. If she wasn’t imagining things, she swore she felt his hand gently rub across her shoulder blades too.

She finished the soup in silence, feeling uneasy that Jay was just staring at her, she looked like crap right now.

“What are we watching?” He asked her, not seeming to care about her appearance, turning on the TV. She stared at him, annoyed that he was acting so normal after his meltdown on Saturday.

“Shocked you even want to be within 6 feet of me”, Hailey accused him. 

Jay’s features softened, knowing he deserved the sass. “You took care of me on Saturday, I owe you one. Favour bank”, he grinned. 

“You’re going to bring the favour bank into this?!” Hailey laughed; she couldn’t hold up an angry front with him much longer. The favour bank was their form of currency, they operated on an “I’ll get you back”, mutual benefit type of system, for pretty much everything. Jay needed help from Hailey with his math homework? Favour bank. He would run with Hailey as repayment when she was training for soccer, even though he hated running. It was something that worked for them. 

He shrugged, “Figured that would be the most appropriate form of payment”, he grinned.

Hailey’s face fell for a second, “Steven broke up with me”, she blurted out.

Jay looked surprised at first, then quickly hiding that with a neutral face.

“Sorry Hails. He didn’t deserve you anyways”, Jay said, supporting his friend. 

“Wasn’t meant to be I guess”, she added, silently looking at his eyes for confirmation.

If he did have any feelings, he hid them well she thought. But she saw the excitement on his face when she told him it was over with Steven. 

Jay grinned slowly, patting the couch cushion next to him, gesturing for her to move over a spot.

“You’re gonna get sick now for sure”, Hailey warned as she snuggled closer to him, he pulled a blanket up over her shoulders, his own arm finding a place behind her on the couch. It was strangely intimate, even though she did not look or feel her best.

“I know”, Jay exhaled, accepting his fate, whatever that may be.

XX

“Will gave us the flu of death, we spent that whole week in bed. So sick”, Hailey laughed.

“So, so sick. That was a terrible week”, Jay shook his head and laughed, taking a sip of his beer.

“I knew I loved you then, you know”, Jay blurted out, interrupting Hailey’s trip down memory lane.

“What?” Hailey asked in disbelief, of all the moments, she didn’t think that was the one.

“That night, us on the couch, the first time we really did that as teenagers, all snuggled up. I knew then”, he confessed confidently. 

Hailey shyly grinned, she didn’t think it was that early on. “Why didn’t you say anything?” She questioned.

Jay shrugged his shoulders, at a loss for words. “Wasn’t the right time.” Story of their lives.  
That didn’t give Hailey much, but then again, she didn’t expect this big emotional confession from him either, it was Jay she was talking to.

“I was scared. That if I told you, it would ruin things forever. And here we are, things were ruined anyways”, Jay added sadly.

“I knew then too, just in a different way. I wasn’t even upset that Steven broke up with me. You know why? Because deep down I knew you didn’t like him, and that bothered me more than anything. Just didn’t sit right”, Hailey explained.

“We’ve really done it to ourselves haven’t we”, Jay laughed, shaking his head. Knowing there was so much more than happened after that, leading them to this point, once again snuggled up on the couch together, just under different circumstances.

“Where do you think we really went wrong?” She asked, Jay raised his eyebrows, mentally preparing a list for that answer.

He was about to reply, when Hailey stopped him. “Actually, I know what you’re going to say. And I thought I was ready for this tonight, but I’m not sure that I am”, her voice wavering, laced with emotion. Talking about their old memories together was starting to make her feel like she wasn’t in control anymore, that she would just revert back to Jay. And that would be the logical, easy choice and decision, it was so automatic for them. But they couldn’t do that again, they had to get through this as adults, they couldn’t pretend things didn’t happen anymore. They weren’t kids anymore, although she wished more than anything, she could turn back the clock and have just one more day as if they were the younger versions of themselves. Ones who had never experienced heartache, illness, death, war. 

Jay looked to the floor, just when he thought they were getting somewhere. He nodded though, understanding that this had to happen at her own pace. He didn’t have the right to push her anymore. 

“Well, you know where to find me”, he smiled. 

“Yeah”, she stood up awkwardly from the couch, envisioning the three of them lying on it together while Will and Jay were recovering after their wisdom teeth surgeries. 

“Dinner tomorrow?” Jay asked cautiously, he wasn’t sure what to make of this conversation, it was hard to gauge where Hailey was at right now.

“Um yeah, sure. I’ll bring dessert”, she confirmed.

Jay followed her to the front door, like he had so many times before. He was about to close it when Hailey paused, and turned around to face him, staring at his mouth. Before he had time to react, he felt Hailey’s lips on his, her tongue softly prying at the entrance of his mouth. He eagerly accepted her.

Just when things were getting interesting, she pulled back, much to Jay’s objection. He could feel the heat rising in his lower belly.

“When you said you knew you loved me that day, when I was sick at my house…”, Hailey started.

“Uh huh”, Jay was staring at her intensely, hanging on to every word she was saying.

She was flustered, Jay shared when he knew, so it was only fair she did the same. She owed him that much. 

“I knew that night you told me you wanted to enlist, remember that career fair we went to in junior year?” Hailey was starting to ramble. Jay nodded his head, that night not really ringing a bell in his mind.

“I came over to your house, I was sort of scared. Just like I am now. You told me everything was going to be fine; the army was a good decision for you…”, Jay knew where this was going.

“I told you to do it. That I would be proud of you either way. But deep down Jay I was terrified, I still am. I had feelings for you then and I didn’t say anything. Because I knew you were planning on leaving, that it wouldn’t be fair to either of us, a life of long distance, uncertainty.

Jay nodded in agreement at that, his army years were the most turbulent of his life.

“When I left your house that night, I gave you a hug, you remember?” She asked, and he nodded back, remembering that the hug in particular did feel different, she hung on tighter and longer than usual.

“I was going to kiss you, tell you everything. But I chickened out. I guess just now…I wanted to see if my feelings were still the same, here on your porch”, Hailey told him, staring right at him.

“And?” Jay spoke, breathlessly. 

“They are”, Hailey’s eyes locked with his as she pulled away, unlocking her fingers with his. 

Jay watched speechlessly as she walked towards her car. 

He realized he had it all wrong. He went into this night thinking Hailey hated him, and that she hated him all this time. But he was wrong, it was far from hate. There was still hope. That it wasn’t hate that fueled her absence from his life, it was love. Hailey Upton pushed him away not because she was angry, but because she still loved him.

XX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s it for another chapter! I plan to keep sprinkling in flashbacks of Hailey & Jay growing up throughout this story. I think (and hope) it will ultimately make sense with what I’m building up to. To move forward, first they have to reminisce and talk about their past. I hope that makes sense to everyone! Thank you so, so much for all the lovely reviews and messages. So glad you are enjoying this so far, I have loved writing it. P.S The opening of 8x04 was EVERYTHING. 8x04 in general honestly, it’s about time for Upstead. – K


	5. I forgive you

Chapter 4

"I took down the whole neighbourhood crew with the flu that week", Will laughed, cringing at the memory. Jay was telling him about last night with Hailey.

"Yes, yes you did", Jay shook his head, forgetting about that unfortunate incident until Hailey brought it up.

"So, is that all you guys talked about?" Will prodded, not too surprised that Jay told him Hailey stayed here talking until 4 in the morning.

Jay suddenly went quiet, paying far too much attention to getting the roast ready on the counter rather than answering Will's question.

"Jay…", Will said gently. "I know it's hard. You can't blame yourself for what happened…"

"Enough Will", he responded sharply, not wanting his brother to finish the sentence.

Will backed off metaphorically, raising his hands, signalling a truce. "Alright. I'm sorry, we don't have to bring it up again."

Will took Jay's silence as his apology being accepted. He quietly picked up a potato peeler and helped him finish the rest of the dinner prep.

About an hour later Will needed to lie down, feeling a stiff pain grow in his knee from standing on the cold kitchen tile for too long.

Will was lying down on the couch when Hailey came in later that afternoon, awkwardly with a pillow under his right knee.

"Uh oh", Hailey cringed.

"Uh oh is right", Will replied.

"What happened?" She asked, sounding concerned. She looked around, no sign of Jay, which she was slightly happy about. Her nerves were kicking in, she wasn't sure if she was ready to see him again after what she did last night.

"Had an unruly patient on shift yesterday, was assisting a nurse with a transfer and tweaked my knee. It's okay, just a bit sore", he reassured her, knowing what she was thinking.

"Have you had problems with it again? Or is the repair still good", she could feel herself slowly slipping back into high school Hailey.

"Repairs still good, I just have to watch that I don't overdo it", Will smiled.

"Gotcha, is it swollen?" Hailey moved towards him without thinking, leaning over him, gently palpating his knee.

"Well, well, well trainer Hailey, you're still in there. Nice to see you make the appearance for little old me", Will joked with her.

2002\. Will's senior year, soccer star at their high school, in their district really. He even had a few scholarship offers to play at college, all eyes were on him during the season. He embraced it. Hailey was the student athletic trainer for the boys soccer team. They welcomed her in, super respectful, given her own athletic status at the school. Hailey was All-American for track, with scholarship offers of her own. She was planning on taking the University of Chicago one, so she could stay close to home, she was somewhat of a homebody. She thought she wanted to become a physiotherapist, but that later changed in her first year of college when she realized it wasn't for her. She still completed her Kinesiology degree, but went to law school afterwards, rather than physiotherapy. Jay was an athlete in his own respect, he played on all sorts of teams, not specializing in one in particular. He probably could have played hockey somewhere if his plan was college, but he was dead set on enlisting in the military once they graduated high school. It was a plan of his since junior year, since 9/11 happened really. Hailey didn't love that idea; she couldn't bear to think of anything happening to Jay. She was suddenly pulled from her own thoughts on the sideline when she heard commotion from the field.

She watched Will collide with another player and go down, hearing his ACL pop from the sidelines. She instantly cringed, feeling the panic rise up, running out on the field before anyone's hand went up to call for her. She just knew. The way he planted and twisted, fell awkwardly, the ungodly noise that followed. It was over for him.

She was kneeling down next to him faster than anyone thought she could get there, perks of being a runner. His teammates cleared a path for her, even the opposing player who he collided with, it was a freak accident.

"Shh, I know, I know. It's okay Will, take a few deep breaths for me", she soothed, trying to get him to stay calm, well as calm as possible right now.

"Hailey, it hurts", he whimpered. Will was never one to complain. All her life, she had never seen Will show so much as a tear. Now he was laying on the field, sobbing holding his right knee, curled into a ball, his fingernails digging into Hailey's hand that she had offered him for support. Jay ran over from the stands, kneeling down next to Will. Hailey's brother Mike, who was Will's best friend and also on the team, remained next to him the whole time, looking to his sister for reassurance, the subtle head shake signalling that this was serious.

"I know it does. Can you try and lie on your back for me? Straighten that leg?

He obliged, cursing the whole time, several of his teammates supporting him. His eyes were puffy from crying. She barely touched his knee and he groaned in pain again. When she did manipulate his knee, what she saw wasn't good.

"It's torn isn't it", he quietly asked.

"You'll have to get an MRI to be sure…", Hailey didn't want to confirm anything. She wasn't a doctor, but she was pretty sure his ACL was torn, based on everything that she saw and heard, and what Will was telling her now.

Will just nodded, reading her facial expressions and interpreting that as a quite likely.

"I'm sorry Will", she touched his back, giving him a small side hug, before getting him up with the help of Jay and Mike.

"You know, that felt like the end of the world at the time, but I might not have put as much effort into my studies had I played soccer somewhere. Medical school might not have been the end result. I'm a big believer in things happen for a reason…", Will trailed off.

Hailey glanced sideways towards the kitchen, thinking she heard Jay.

"I miss Mike too Hailey, everyday", Will blurted out with a sad grin on his face.

Hailey nodded, gently patting Will's foot before facing the music, promising him an ice pack. Meaning, she would have to make her way into the kitchen and see Jay.

"Hey", she cleared her throat, not fooled by Jay's pretend look of surprise that she was here. Jay was hyper aware, of everything. His senses heightened by years at war. She knew he heard her talking to Will in the living room but chose to not acknowledge it.

"Hey", Jay smiled and turned back, focusing on the gravy.

"I brought apple pie", Hailey replied, making it sound like a peace offering of some sort, peace for what she wasn't sure.

"From that bakery on 47th", she smiled, that made his ears perk up.

Jay turned around, not able to put up a front much longer. "That is my favourite."

"I know", Hailey nodded knowingly.

She left it on the counter, rummaging around in the freezer for an ice pack. She absentmindedly opened a drawer; the tea towels were still kept in the same spot.

"It's like no time has passed", Jay commented, noticing how comfortable and familiar this all was to her.

Hailey blushed a little, realizing her slip up. "Old habits die hard I guess."

"Hmm", Jay smiled. "Will?"

"Yeah, said he hurt his knee at work last night."

"I noticed that", Jay replied.

"But didn't offer to get him ice", Hailey accused jokingly.

"Meh, knew you would be over soon, figured I'd let you deal with his moping", Jay laughed as he felt Hailey swat at him playfully.

"Not the first time she's played nurse for us, likely won't be the last", Will surprised them both, standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

Hailey spun around quickly. "William Patrick you scared me", she laughed.

Will laughed, "Mission accomplished."

"You should be lying down", Hailey scolded.

"Yes, doctor", Will teased.

She took that as her opportunity to escape from Jay, she wasn't sure why she was being so awkward around him today. Maybe because she knew they got close to talking about the accident last night, and things were feeling very raw and vulnerable for them today.

Will sat back down, Hailey helping him put a pillow under his knee and setting the ice pack on top.

"Hails" Will started.

"Mhmm", she replied, encouraging him to continue as she sat across from him on the coffee table.

He took a deep breath, gathering courage to say what he had to say next.

"You know he blames himself still. You and I both know that what happened wasn't on him. He still beats himself up about it. And before you say anything, I know you two haven't talked about it yet, or else I think the vibe in here would be very different", he said motioning around the house, almost in a whisper.

Hailey let out a deep sigh. "I know he does. We got close last night, but…but I got scared", she admitted quietly, her voice wavering.

"I know. It's hard. It's still hard for me too. Just… think about it. I think he needs to hear it from you", Will gave her a look.

Jay joined them a few seconds later, unaware of what conversation he was walking in to.

"I see you're milking Hailey for her kindness again Will", Jay said jokingly.

"Hey", Hailey threw a pillow at him. "If my memory serves me correctly, there was more than a time or two where it's been you on this couch, being taken care of."

"You really would have been a good nurse, or doctor, in another life Hails", Will said seriously.

Hailey smiled, "Thanks Will."

"That time after my ACL surgery, where I puked for 2 days because the pain was so bad", Will cringed. "Hailey fed me soup and crackers on and off for a whole Saturday afternoon."

"When I broke my collar bone in the 8th grade playing hockey", Jay added.

"That was in your I'm too cool to have a girl best friend in public stage", Hailey quipped back, rolling her eyes and smiling.

Jay rolled his eyes too, "Right. Well, after you were so nice to me those few weeks, I reconsidered."

Hailey nodded her head, "Mhmm, that's what I thought. Someone had to carry your backpack to and from school every day for you."

Will laughed at the memory too. "You weren't fooling anyone Jay. Everyone knew you and Hailey were a package deal."

"Yeah, yeah", Jay waved his brother off with a grin, his eyes twinkling as he glanced at Hailey. We still are, he thought to himself.

"Remember that time Jay was giving himself stitches in the bathroom upstairs and you had to help finish them because he almost passed out", Will laughed heartedly.

Jay shot him an evil glare.

Hailey started giggling uncontrollably too. "I forgot about that one."

Jay jumped in, yet again to defend Greg from guys a year ahead of them in high school. For some reason they took to bullying Greg for no reason in particular. Jay had grown a foot between the summer of grade 9 and 10, but Greg hadn't quite hit his peak yet, still lanky. Some guys just were like that to make themselves feel good he supposed.

"Mouse! You look like a little mouse, want some cheese?" Luke Bowman snidely asked Greg as he walked past him on the path home, shoving him into Jay a little bit.

"Leave him alone Luke", Jay warned.

"It's fine Jay, I can handle it", Greg said confidently, although Jay knew behind the façade, he was tired of this.

"You aren't going to have big strong Jay around forever to fight your battles for you", Riley, the other bully added.

That made Jay angry. What was it with these guys?

"You two losers must have nothing else going on in your life, that you spend so much time on Mouse here", Jay called him by the nickname they gave him on purpose, trying to show them that it didn't bother Greg, even though he knew it did.

"You're right Halstead, we spend way too much time thinking about all the things we're going to do with your friend Hailey instead. Aren't we Riley, what a hot piece of ass she's turned into huh", Luke grinned.

That was when the wires crossed for Jay. His nostrils flared, Irish temper taking over. There was no way he was going to let them talk about Hailey that way.

Luke didn't see the first punch coming, Jay connecting with his nose straight on, feeling the bones crumple beneath his knuckles. Riley, however, was ready for it and clipped Jay right above his eyebrow. The zipper on his jacket tearing open the skin.

The three boys fought for a bit until Will and Mike came running down the path to break it up. "Get out of here", Mike shouted at Luke and Riley, pushing them to the ground in the process.

"You alright man?" Mike asked Jay, as Jay was feeling his forehead, eyes going wide at the sight of blood on his hand as he peeled it away from his face.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine", Jay replied. Greg agreeing, a few bumps and bruises of his own.

"You might need stitches", Will stated, after taking a look at his face.

"I'll do it myself; I don't want to go to the hospital. Mom's working", Jay replied.

Will gave him a funny look. "Okay, whatever you say."

The four boys walked home in silence after that. Jay giving up trying to wipe the stream of blood coming from above his eyebrow. They parted ways with Greg and Mike before going into their house. Luckily, their dad wasn't home from work yet, so they wouldn't have to explain what happened to him.

Will went into the bathroom upstairs with him, handing him a towel to try and stop the bleeding.

"What do you think?" Jay asked, hovering over the sink, letting the blood drip down.

Will hummed and hah'd. "It's pretty deep Jay, I think you need to go get stitches."

"No, I told you I'm not doing that", Jay replied, still feeling the anger from what happened earlier.

"Alright", Will raised his hands, backing off, letting Jay figure this one out on his own.

About 20 minutes later Will heard a knock on the front door. He looked out the window, not entirely surprised to see who it was on the other side.

"Hey, heard what happened", Hailey scrunched her nose up.

"Hey, ya that got a bit messy. Glad Mike and I walked home when we did."

"How is he?" She asked cautiously.

"He's okay. Pissed off. Has a wicked cut above his eyebrow, refusing to go to the hospital to get stiches of course", Will rolled his eyes.

"Classic Jay", Hailey shrugged her shoulders. "Greg okay?"

"I think so. Poor kids been taking a beating lately….at school and…you know", Will didn't say the obvious, but Hailey knew what Greg's dad was like after a few drinks, the whole neighbourhood did.

"I'm going to go check on him after", she confirmed, checking her watch. "It's still early, there's hope if I go there that everyone will be in a good mood."

Will moved aside, waving her upstairs. "Good luck with that", he raised his eyebrows.

Hailey moved quietly upstairs and softly knocked on the bathroom door, that was already slightly ajar.

"I told you I didn't-", Jay spun around, expecting to see Will. "Oh, hey hails."

"Hey bruiser", Hailey replied, trying to lighten the mood. She could tell Jay was still fuming.

He sighed loudly, attempting to suture his eyebrow with supplies he found in his mom's medical kit from under the sink.

It was after the third attempt at the same stitch that Hailey decided to intervene. She respected that Jay was mad, he had a right to be. But she knew how stubborn he was. He would sooner look like Frankenstein than ask for her help.

She approached him from the side, gently bringing her hand up towards his holding the needle. The contact made him flinch, Hailey wasn't usually this gentle with him.

"Let me help you Jay, you look a little pale", she said. He nodded, giving her permission. Before he knew it, he felt her other hand come up under his chin, tilting his head toward her so she could inspect the cut.

"Did you clean this out before you started?" She asked, not shocked by his sheepish head shake.

"Here, sit down", she pushed him back towards the toilet seat. Jay had taken a growth spurt lately, they were no longer close in height, he had a full head on her now. So, she needed him to be sitting so she could be at the right level.

Hailey took a damp washcloth and started dabbing at the dried blood around his face before wiping the cut with some rubbing alcohol.

Jay hissed; Hailey's first instinct was to blow on it. That put them in a somewhat precarious situation. She realized after she did it, so she played it off as a joke, naturally. Jay laughed to humour her, but he knew she was feeling embarrassed, so he didn't push it. She was about to put a needle in his face after all.

Hailey went slow, having watched Kate do this more than a few times for the boys in the neighbourhood. One of them was always doing something dumb and needing her to sew them up. This kit got a lot of use.

Jay was quiet the whole time, Hailey knew he needed to just breathe and calm down on his own. When she was finished, she nudged him to open his eyes and take a look in the mirror.

Jay looked at his eye and then at her in the mirror, looking impressed. "Not bad nurse Hailey", he flashed her his signature grin.

"You're welcome", she replied.

"Thanks", he said looking down at the counter.

"You did a good thing Jay", Hailey reminded him, before patting him on the back and saying bye for the night and wandering down to Greg's.

"Wait what? I didn't know about that", Hailey said, sounding surprised at Will's version of the story.

"What part…?" Jay pretended to play dumb.

"The part where you clocked Luke because of a gross comment he said about me", Hailey looked at him curiously. She thought he was just defending Mouse that night, turns out it was her too.

He looked down awkwardly staring at his hands. "Oh, yeah. I wasn't going to let him talk about you like that. Greg has been Mouse ever since, embracing the nickname. Plus, Luke's nose never healed right. Karma", Jay grinned while simultaneously brushing off the subject.

Hailey reached out her hand to touch his face. At first, he flinched at the contact, just like that night in his bathroom, but instantly relaxed when he realized what she was doing. Her thumb softly running over the scar just above his left eyebrow. It was faded now, but still there. Sort of like their love for one another.

"My hero", she replied back, void of all sarcasm. He paused for a minute, relishing in the fact that Hailey was touching him. She did that for a few seconds, before her eyes ran over another scar on his face, this one further up in his hairline. The warmth she was feeling in her heart suddenly turned cold. Jay realizing what she was thinking about in an instant, his eyes apologetic.

Hailey thought back to what Will said earlier, he needs to hear it from you.

Jay cleared his throat and got up off the couch before she could say anything, before she could show him that she forgave him a long time ago.

"I better go check on dinner", he said awkwardly, turning towards the kitchen.

Hailey sat there quietly, dreading making eye contact with Will.

"You don't have to say it again, I know", she finally said out loud.

Will just smiled weakly, "I know you do. Now let's go eat."

Hailey smiled back, in hopes it would mask the tears building in her eyes. She extended a hand to help Will off the couch. Once he was standing, she offered him an arm to act as a human crutch.

"Missed you kid", Will said as he leaned on her and ruffled her hair as they made their way to the kitchen table.

"Missed you too Will", she replied softly, a familiar ache building in her chest as she sat down at the Halstead kitchen table. It was the only piece of furniture that Jay kept the same in the kitchen from when his parents lived here.

"Okay, you two know the drill…. Rose and thorn of your week go!" Will shouted as they rhymed off the good and bad of their respective weeks, all of them in tears laughing as Will shared his thorn. It involved a patient who had explosive diarrhea and a pair of brand new shoes.

They reminisced about Mouse, and some of their other childhood friends, while skirting around the elephant in the room. Hailey wasn't all that surprised that Mouse was briefly working in Jay's unit but decided to re-enlist. With what happened to them, it was understandable that he wanted to go out on his own terms and was finally in control of his life again. She wrote letters to him every so often. Mouse was old school, they had each other's numbers of course, but texting life updates felt so impersonal. She was so proud of Mouse, of Jay too. More than they both knew.

Jay managed to snap a pic of Hailey at the table and send it to Mouse over WhatsApp. He got an instant reply, confused, because it was very late overseas where he was stationed.

Shut the front door. I don't believe it. Hailey's at Sunday dinner?! Does this mean what I think it does? Tell her I say hello and 1-4-3!

Jay laughed, 1-4-3 was such a middle school thing to say, but they still used it all the time. I (1), love (4), you (3). It was something they came up with as kids, because saying I love you to your friends wasn't as cool back then or growing up with a girl in the squad. It was silly looking back on it, but 1-4-3 always felt like their own secret code. It made it more special.

"Mouse says 1-4-3 Hails", Jay informed her.

"I miss Mouse", she replied, gesturing for Jay to take a photo of the two of them. He gave her an are you sure glance, to which she nodded her approval. Will just watching and taking all of this in, shaking his head. Half in disbelief, half in joy. One glass of wine and these two were back to their old tricks.

Jay stuck out his tongue and Hailey smiled wide. He sent it with the caption, Back in business. He would update Mouse later.

Laughter. It was something that this kitchen table hadn't seen in a while, Jay thought as he looked around. He often felt alone when he sat in here to eat his meals. But not tonight. Tonight, he was reminded of the good things, when so many of his days revolved around remembering the bad things. A hot meal, a good bottle of red, belly laughs, sharing old memories, best friends. Sometimes that's all you need.

The night came to an end way too soon. Will and Jay couldn't remember the last time they had a Sunday dinner this good, or this normal. It had probably been since their mom died.

Jay wasn't sure what the next play was, since Hailey was flying back out to New York in the morning.

He could tell she was procrastinating leaving. Just based on the way she was lingering in the kitchen, long after all the dishes were washed, dried and put away.

Will was yawning in the doorway, raising a hand to signal that he was on his way out. "I'm gonna head out, have to work in the morning."

Hailey looked to Will, then to Jay. "This was really nice you guys. I didn't realize how much I missed this, missed you", she said it to both of them, but she was staring right at Jay.

"We missed you too Lails", Jay replied, Will's mouth dropping open out of Hailey's sight.

She smiled, as Jay walked Will out to the front door.

"Lails?!" He whispered to his brother, "You're back in deep Jay."

"Oh, shut up", Jay answered back, not wanting Hailey to overhear.

Will said good-bye to Hailey and Jay, giving them both a hug, an extra-long one to Hailey. Jay turned around after closing the front door, not expecting to see Hailey with her coat on either.

"You're leaving too?" He said, sounding hurt.

"I have an early flight", she replied, regret in her voice.

"Gotcha", Jay said, fumbling his words, with his hands in his pockets.

It was awkward again. They were trying their best to avoid this. Hailey didn't expect any of this to happen on this short weekend trip home. It made things complicated, especially with her new job offer on the table. Before she left one of the few places she called home, she wanted to come clean with Jay. Let him in again. She watched as he nervously bit his lip, trying to hold himself together as she was about to walk out of his life again.

"Jay?" She called him back to Earth.

"Hmm?"" He looked up at her, his emotions were guarded again, to protect himself she learned, not to protect her like she thought all those years ago.

She took a deep breath and stepped towards him, mentally preparing herself that this was it. This was the buildup of the last seven years, she needed to rip the Band-Aid.

Her hands came up to touch his face again like they had earlier on the couch.

He looked confused initially but letting her do whatever she was about to do. Maybe that meant kissing him again, who knew at this point in their whirlwind weekend.

She laced her fingers behind his head and brought his face down towards hers, first, kissing the scar above his left eyebrow. She paused, breathing heavier now. Jay felt frozen in place, and for the first time in a long time, he had no idea what to expect.

Next, she slowly stood on her tippy toes, tilting his head even farther down to the floor. He tensed at her touch, after years of injuries, always having the instinct to protect his head.

"Shh, Jay, come here", she whispered, tilting his head again, silently asking him to trust her. Their faces were dangerously close now, Jay's hands had come up to rest on the outside of hers.

"Okay", he replied back, barely audible.

When his head was tilted just right, Hailey ran her fingers through his hair, intentionally pulling his part back to find that ugly jagged scar that was so well hidden now.

Jay sucked in air sharply, scared what might happen next. He waited, his heart racing a mile a minute, until he felt Hailey's soft lips on his forehead, in his hair, pausing there for what felt like an eternity.

He felt the tears start to roll down his cheek as he felt Hailey hover over the scar high on his forehead with her lips and her fingertips before tilting his chin towards her. They were at eye level now.

"Mike's death was hard. But I want you to know I don't blame you for it", Hailey said bravely, having a good handle on her emotions while talking about this with him for once.

That made the tears in Jay's eye well up even faster, every bone in his body telling his to look away from her, break eye contact, so that she wouldn't see him fall apart. But she didn't let him.

"Hey, look at me. I want you to know that. I need you to know that. I was angry for a long time and took it out on you. And I'm sorry for the pain that caused."

"You don't owe me an apology Hailey", Jay replied softly.

"Yes, I do", she wiped the tears from his cheeks with her thumb.

He nodded, unable to get any words out. She understood, pulling him in for a hug, one arm around his neck, her other hand cradling the back of his head. She felt him let go and sob into her shoulder. As he let go the years of guilt and regret, she kept repeating the same thing over and over again while holding him together in the front entryway.

"I forgive you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh, I loved writing this chapter. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the feedback on this story! I always love to hear that people are enjoying it. I'm thinking that this chapter may have left you with more questions than answers though! Promise I have more coming. Can't wait to keep writing this and diving into this world I've created for Hailey and Jay. Hope everyone is having a great week and staying safe wherever you may be. -K


	6. He deserves happiness

Chapter 5

“Can we leave it Kim”, Jay cut his partner off mid drive. Kim had been bombarding him with questions about his weekend, about Hailey, about their life, since first thing Monday morning. At first Jay entertained her, gave her little snippets. But it was Wednesday now, and he was tired.

Kim looked at her partner, eyeing him, searching for any sign of emotion. But she knew him too well, he was keeping that locked far, far away.

“Okay”, she nodded, dropping it and giving him a smile, to which he forcefully returned.

They were sitting at their desks later that afternoon, Kim staring at Jay looking at how jumpy and fidgety he was. They were so close to cracking this murder case that they’d been at for days. A grieving father, trying to get justice for his son. A son that was murdered over a girl. It made Jay sick to his stomach. He twitched at Kim’s touch on his back, gently setting a mug down in front of him.

“Coffee? Thanks Kim”, he smiled genuinely, he was so tired, needing a boost.

“Tea actually”, Kim replied, nudging the cup towards him.

Jay took a sniff, turning his nose up at the non-caffeinated beverage in front of him. “Peppermint?” He asked questioningly. 

“You haven’t slept for days; I’m worried about you”, Kim explained, knowing caffeine was the last thing he needed. He was too wired as it is. 

Jay squinted his eyes at her, knowing it was useless to lie to her. Kim knows what he’s like when he’s over-tired and anxious. 

“I’m okay Kim. But thanks”, he said quietly, gesturing to the tea. Kim always meant well.

“You should call her”, was all she said before peeling herself off his desk and returning to her own.

Jay stared longingly at the newly framed photo he added to his desk. One of Hailey, Mouse and himself from just before his first deployment. He sighed loudly, picking himself up out of his chair heading towards the break room, much to the delight of his partner.

XX

“Hey Jay, everything alright?” Hailey’s voice flooded his phone speaker.

“Yeah, yeah I’m good”, he replied.

“Good, I wasn’t sure when I saw your name come up on caller ID mid-afternoon”, Hailey inquired, slightly confused.

Jay sighed, “Right, ya sorry. I know you’re busy, I just- I just wanted to hear your voice”, he admitted softly, hearing Hailey’s silent breathing from the other end. He could already feel his heart rate and blood pressure returning to normal. 

“You sound tired”, she added, not much slips past her.

“I am. It’s been a tough week. Working this case… I haven’t been sleeping well”, Jay rambled before Hailey cut him off.

“Hey, hey. Just breathe Jay. Breathe. You’re doing the best you can. You need to take care of yourself too”, Hailey replied, sounding concerned. It wasn’t like Jay to admit he was feeling like this, she had spent years of her life trying to get him to open up without success. It had been a few years, but if anything, Hailey still knew best how bad things got if Jay didn’t sleep for days on end.

He took a few solid deep breaths with his back to the breakroom doorway. 

“You still there?” Hailey asked.

“Mhmm. Thanks Hails”, he murmured. 

“Anytime. Listen I have to go, I have a meeting in a few. I’m flying back home Friday. Maybe we can chat some more?” She asked, as if he was going to reply with anything other than absolutely.

“I would like that”, Jay replied. He was thankful Hailey was still willing to talk things out with him, really work through the hard parts that were holding them back and holding them apart from each other.

“Okay sounds good. I’ll call you when I land. Maybe we can grab dinner”, Hailey offered. 

Jay smiled on the other end, “I really hope New York has not converted you to their terrible pizza.”

“Are you kidding me? Bartoli’s or bust Halstead, you know that. I’m still a Chicago girl at heart”, Hailey laughed. 

Jay laughed at that too, feeling the endorphins course through his body. “Good, just checking to see where your allegiance lies. I’ll pick you up from O’Hare?” He asked, feeling bolder now.

“Sure, that would be great thanks! I really have to run now, talk soon. Promise me you’ll sleep?” 

“I promise.” He said it out loud but didn’t really believe it himself.  
XX

Jay was really dragging his feet now, even Platt said something to him.

“Halstead, you look like shit”, she commented the second he walked through the precinct doors late Thursday night.

“Thanks Trudy, always great to see you too”, he replied sarcastically, Kim’s eyes getting wide at the sass to their always intimidating Sergeant.

“Geez, I was only kidding. Who shit in your corn flakes?” She tried again. Jay was really not having it today though; he didn’t even crack a smile.

Kim waved Platt off, motioning that she would handle her partner and his bad attitude today.

In reality, she knew why he was upset and worn out. This week had been a bad one. Jay had to make a tough call about their murder case. Turns out the victim’s father took matters into his own hands so to speak. Voight knew what was up, but let Jay make the final call. It was not an easy decision, and one Kim was glad she didn’t have to make.

They didn’t really speak about it as a collective group, but Jay had told Kim what the plan was, and she was going to support his decision no matter what. The team knew Jay had been on edge all week, rightfully so. This case hit close to home for him, in a more personal way than Kim really knew.

“I’m going to head home”, Jay announced after filing out of Voight’s office. Latrell had been brought in and immediately lawyered up. 

Voight nodded, signalling he would take it from here, Jay had done the heavy lifting on this one. 

Kim smiled at him, watching him walk past her desk towards the door, a shell of his normal self. She decided to not go after him, sometimes it was best to let him be. She had a sneaking suspicion he would maybe call someone else anyways. Maybe that someone would be able to help him with whatever demons he was harbouring, more than she could.

XX

Jay parked his truck out front, turning the key off. He closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the headrest for a moment before getting out.

“Whatever decision you make, make sure it’s one you can live with”, Voight’s voice ran through his mind. Had he done the right thing? Latrell killed someone, premeditated. But it was justice for his son, an innocent victim. Jay thought to his father, who would have done the same thing for him. Hell, if he had a kid, he would do the same thing too. That didn’t make his decision any easier though. Latrell still took a life.

He gathered the strength to get out of his truck to head inside his house, he was beat. He paused at his doorway, staring at an Amazon Prime box on the front step.

Puzzled, he looked at it, trying to remember if he ordered anything this week. I did have a few too many beers the other night…maybe I drunk ordered something. He thought, somewhat chuckling to himself.

He kicked the box inside; it was heavier than he expected. He opened it, pulling out the piece of paper sitting on top first.

“Like a warm hug (or head scratch)- I hope this helps you sleep Jay. 143! -H”

Jay felt emotional all of a sudden when he opened the packaging and realized it was a weighted blanket. He had heard about these before, that they were helpful with anxiety. He always wanted to try one but just never got around to purchasing one himself, how did Hailey know that. She could still read his mind after all.

He bit the side of his cheek, to get his emotions under control. You’re just tired Jay, pull it together. 

Jay quickly dumped his work stuff at the front door, bounding up the stairs, extra excited to get into his bed now. He opened the blanket, curling up in his bed with it. The pressure on his chest already calming him. His eyes kept closing, but he forced them open once more to take a selfie to send to Hailey. 

Hailey’s phone pinged just as she was getting into bed herself. She smiled when she saw a half asleep Jay, looking a little worse for wear, but nonetheless with a smile on his face.

143\. Was all the message and picture said. Hailey closed her eyes, falling asleep to the same thought in her head. 143 Jay, 143. 

XX

“TGIF”, Kim told her partner as they clocked in and walked up to their bullpen together.

“You got that right”, Jay replied, although feeling a lot more like himself this morning after a great sleep.

“Voight wants us to head out and do surveillance on this bakery on the South Side before lunch. He said you’re off this afternoon?” Kim questioned. Jay never took vacation time.

“Ya, Hailey’s flying back in. I’m picking her up from the airport” Jay casually stated.

Kim tried to hide her excitement, but it was no use. “What?!” 

Jay even smirked at that. “It’s nothing Kim. She’s my oldest friend. I’m giving her a ride from the airport.”

“Right, right. Very casual”, Kim reasoned, trying to suppress her inner teen angst bubbling to the surface.

Jay laughed at her from across their desks, shaking his head, before picking up their coats motioning for them to get going. He was having a bit of fun watching Kim squirm, she so badly wanted him to let her in and spill the beans about Hailey. He would eventually. 

“I’ll drive”, Kim said. Usually Jay drove, but he was feeling lazy today. She was shocked when he didn’t fight her on it.

Based on what happened next, maybe he should have.

XX

“Kim you have to slow down, your tires don’t have as much traction as mine in the truck”, Jay warned as they were in hot pursuit of one of their robbery suspects.

“Now is not the time for backseat driving Jay”, Kim replied, keeping her eyes on the red Honda in front of them, weaving in and out of the neighbourhood they were in.

Jay bit his tongue and put the call out on the radio for backup, this was getting out of hand fast. They were watching for a drug kingpin and caught a robbery in the process. So much for a quiet Friday morning.

“Kim left on 59th!” Jay shouted as he tried to orient himself, to get ahead of their suspects.

“I know Jay! I’m going that- “, Kim was cut off before she could finish, by a blue van in front of them. Neither Kim nor Jay having time to brace themselves. Jay saw it coming a fraction of a second before Kim did and instinctively put his left arm out to protect her from flying too far forward. 

It was over as quickly as it started. Jay never lost consciousness, but he felt stunned. He blinked a few times, trying to focus his eyes forward. He could see their engine smoking in front of them, someone from the blue van already getting out and walking towards Kim’s vehicle. His ears were ringing, he took a deep breath, trying to evaluate himself for any injuries. Then he turned to Kim. He started to panic when he saw her slumped over in her seat, her side of the vehicle taking most of the damage.

“Kim, Kim! Burgess!” He yelled, trying to rouse her. 

She eventually came to, groaning, her left arm coming slowly up to her head. “Ow”, she grunted. Jay saw some blood coming from her head.

“Shh, shh it’s okay. Relax Kim we’re okay. Helps on the way”, he could hear sirens approaching from the distance. 

“Are you okay?” She managed to squeak out.

“I think so”, Jay confirmed, unable to pinpoint any major pain. 

“I’m sorry”, Kim started to tear up, her breathing borderline becoming laboured.

“It’s alright. It was an accident. I don’t think anyone in the van is hurt”, Jay pieced together, watching a stunned young man walk towards his window.

“I called an ambulance! I’m so sorry my brakes failed. I’m so sorry”, the driver kept repeating, clearly shaken up. Jay didn’t have the capacity to deal with this at the moment, he was trying to keep Kim calm. Thankfully, there were bystanders who got out and started to help. 

Ruzek was the first on scene, practically running towards them. “Kim! Jay!” He yelled.

“Kim?!” Ruzek approached her window first, his face paling at the blood streaming from Kim’s forehead.

“Hmm”, her head snapped up, attempting to blink to clear her own fogginess.

“You guys alright? What happened?” Adam started firing off questions, looking to his left and right every few seconds for an ambulance.

Jay just pointed forward, “Blew a light. I’m okay, I think. Don’t know about Kim.”

Adam didn’t like how pale Jay was looking either. But before he pulled them out himself, Brett and Mackey arrived on scene. 

They quickly got in there, assessing both of them, strapping on c-collars before transferring them onto backboards, much to Jay’s protest.

“This is ridiculous, I can walk”, Jay was agitated. Brett was all too familiar with this. Mackey wavered, trying to play nice with the detective. 

“I don’t think so Jay. And don’t try and fool my partner here either”, Brett said sternly, half joking. “Mackey, it’s your lucky day, this is practically a rite of passage. A Jay Halstead transport to Med.” Sylvie was only joking because she knew Jay wasn’t seriously injured.

Jay knew better than to mess with Sylvie, so he went along with it, even though he felt fine. That was until they popped his seatbelt off and his shoulder slumped with it.

“Ahhhhh!” He screamed out in pain. Brett quickly looked him over, realizing his shoulder was slightly subluxed.   
“Shoot. Okay sorry Jay this is going to hurt”, she warned as she stabilized his shoulder before moving him again. 

By this point tears were streaming down his face, and he felt a small trickle of blood coming down his arm too. 

“I know, I know. You’re doing great. We’re going to get you cleaned up and checked out at Med okay?” Sylvie turned off the humour from a minute ago and turned on her caring nature instead.

“Okay”, Jay grunted through the pain, not having the energy to disagree with that plan otherwise.

Kim got loaded into a second ambulance, Jay wasn’t sure what kind of shape she was in and it made him feel more panicked.

“Sylvie his heart rate is 180”, Mackey shouted worriedly from the back of the ambulance to her partner racing towards the hospital in the driver’s seat.

Brett looked in the rear-view, her new partner clearly unfamiliar with how to deal with Jay Halstead. She knew she should have let her drive.

“You just have to keep him calm. This isn’t medical. He hates hospitals, keep talking to him. Put a cool cloth on his forehead”, was all she could come up with. 

“How’s my partner? Did you see her, is Kim okay?” Jay was extremely anxious now. His breathing becoming erratic, feeling like he was suffocating in this collar and sling.

“I’m not sure Jay, she was in and out of consciousness when I saw her. But I don’t think life threatening”, Mackey reassured him. 

Jay nodded, trying to calm himself down. 

Before he knew it, he was being wheeled into the ED and saw his brother’s face above him.

“You’re okay Jay. It’s going to be alright”, Will placed his hand on Jay’s forearm, seeing how distraught his brother was.

Will quickly rushed off to look after Kim, leaving Dr. Choi to work with Jay. Everyone knew it was best that way. Choi could relate to Jay, calm him down. Once they cleared his cervical spine, the collar was taken off, which allowed him to breathe a bit better.

“See that’s it Jay, keep taking deep breaths”, Choi replied, watching his heart rate fall to a more normal range.

They quickly took some x-rays, asked him a bunch of questions about the accident, seeing if he hit his head, to which he reiterated that he didn’t. Every time Dr. Choi came near him with a needle or IV attempt Jay refused.   
“Jay, we need to give you something so I can deal with your shoulder. You’ll need a few stitches along the back of your arm too”, Dr. Choi told him. So that’s where the blood was coming from, Jay thought. He knew he felt it somewhere, there was broken glass in the car, he must have caught himself on that somehow.

“No Ethan, no stitches I’ll be fine. Just give me Tylenol”, Jay continued to be difficult. 

Dr. Choi huffed loudly; Detective Halstead was arguably his most consistently difficult patient. He stepped out of the room to find Will.

“He’s freaking out. We aren’t going to be able to stitch him up like this”, Choi informed Will, who didn’t seem surprised in the slightest.

“I’ll go talk to him”, Will replied, pulling back the curtain to find Jay sitting up in bed, trying to reach for his coat.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Will asked, eyeing his brother, wondering if he did actually hit his head after all.

“I’m supposed to pick Hailey up from the airport”, Jay replied casually, as if he wasn’t bloodied and had his arm in a sling. 

Will pushed him back against the bed gently. “You’re not going anywhere.” 

Jay sighed loudly, the adrenaline from the accident was starting to wear off. His back was starting to tense up, the pain in his shoulder becoming sharper than it was dull a few minutes ago.

“Can you hold off for a bit? I have an idea”, Will approached Ethan at the nurse’s station.

Ethan raised his hands, “By all means. It won’t hurt him to delay. Might do him some good to calm down a bit, get settled here.”

Will nodded at that, stepping into the lounge to make a quick call to his old friend.

XX

Hailey checked her phone as she landed, expecting to see a text from Jay about where to meet him, not from Will saying Jay had been in an accident this afternoon. She immediately dialed the older Halstead’s number, her heart feeling like it was in her throat. Thinking back to a time where she made a similar call, one that didn’t turn out so great.

“Hey Hails”, Will greeted her calmly. His relaxed demeanour seemed to slow her heart rate a bit.

“What happened”, she asked as Will briefly explained, reassuring her that Jay was fine. 

“Is his partner okay?” She asked, nervous how Jay would take it if she wasn’t.  
“She’s okay. Bumps and bruises. Mild concussion, but overall got lucky”, Will confirmed, relieved that Kim was okay too.

They weren’t talking about the elephant in the room. Car accident. That was triggering for Jay. It had been since what happened with Mike. 

Will explained his train of thinking to Hailey, who quickly agreed she would be right there. She had already ordered an Uber to Med while they were on the phone.

Hailey rushed through the ED doors, suitcase from the airport and all. Ruzek, Kevin and Voight were waiting on news about their co-workers, eyeing her curiously as she walked past, Will hugging her before ushering her towards Jay’s bed.

“Is that….?” Kev asked out loud pointing towards the blonde ponytail. Adam and Voight following her with their eyes as well.

Will smirked and gave a discreet nod and “Shhh” behind Hailey’s back before disappearing behind a curtain. 

XX

“Jay?” Will called out, seeing his brother’s eyes closed, pale skin, a thin layer of sweat forming across his forehead. Will knew that look all too well from years working in the ED. Jay wasn’t going to be able to hold out for much longer without anything for the pain. 

“Hmm”, Jay replied back effortfully. 

“Someone’s here to see you”, his brother informed him, letting Hailey sneak past him.

Jay cracked one eye open, then springing both open when he realized who was standing at his bedside. The sudden movement sending a jolt of pain down his left arm.

“Hailey?” He asked half-confused, half-relieved, wincing trying to get the pain under control.

“Hey, easy”, she softly put her hand on top of his shoulder, knowing he was hurting.

“Sorry I didn’t get you from the airport”, he said sheepishly. 

Hailey snorted. “It’s alright Jay. I’m just glad you’re okay.” She reached behind him to grab the damp cloth Will left in a basin. He didn’t want Jay going into shock from a pain crisis.

She gently set it across his forehead, trying to get him to relax. He was quiet for a minute, then spoke up.

“I hate this place. So many bad memories”, he said quietly, referring to Med. Hospitals in general really. Hailey knew what he meant. She could recall a handful of times he had been here himself where things went south, post Afghanistan, his mom, his dad, her brother… she shuddered. It was a lot to endure for one person. 

“I know”, she put a hand on his face, her thumb dragging across his cheekbone. “Will and Dr. Choi are going to come in now okay?” 

Jay nodded, knowing Will used her as bait. He wasn’t mad about that if he was being honest.

“I’m right here”, she looked at him, moving to his other side. The three of them got Jay sitting up at the edge of the bed while Hailey carefully undid the buttons of his shirt and slid it off so that his elbow could be stitched up.

“Little pinch Jay”, Choi replied from behind him. Hailey braced herself in case he fainted, which thankfully did not happen.

The monitors started beeping, signalling that his heart rate was climbing, and oxygen was falling.

“Hey, breathe Jay, look at me. You’re okay, they’re going to help get you cleaned up. Deep breaths”, she repeated until Will and Dr. Choi gave her the thumbs up.

“See all done”, she sat down next to him, knowing this was going to be the harder part.

“Jay, I need to look at your shoulder, and I think you should take something for the pain first”, Ethan proposed. 

“No. No I’m not going to do that”, he immediately resisted. “I don’t like how that makes me feel”, he vaguely stated, although everyone in the room was aware of the side effects he was talking about in particular. 

“Please Jay, we don’t want you to be in pain. And you clearly are right now. Just for tonight, you can take Tylenol after this shot”, Hailey begged, knowing she was close to getting him to cave. He was white as a sheet, looking like he was going to lose his lunch at any moment, to the point that Will had discreetly moved closer to them, basin in hand just in case.

He thought about it for a minute and slowly stated, “Okay. But nothing stronger than tramadol.”

“Okay. We can work with that”, Dr. Choi replied, pleasantly surprised that Jay agreed.

It was over in a flash; Jay had been worked up about the injection for a minute but relaxed as soon as he felt some relief from the pain. Will and Ethan transferred him back into bed, wanting him to stay for a bit so they could monitor him.

“You can get out of here in an hour Jay I promise”, Ethan told him, Jay giving him a thumbs up from bed. Hailey followed Will out to get the real update.

“So?” She asked.  
“So, we got the shoulder back in no problem. He’ll be fine, just sore for a few days, he’ll need to wear the sling for the weekend for sure. The pain meds helped, but since he’s taken stronger before that isn’t going to give him relief for too much longer. Knowing him, he’ll refuse anything other than Tylenol now, which is okay. Are you going back to the house?” Will asked Hailey, just as the team was coming up to hear the update.

“Yeah, I’ll stay there tonight”, she nodded, suddenly feeling awkward that the eyes of his team were on her. Thankfully Will was the least awkward person she knew and immediately introduced her.

“Hailey this is the rest of Jay’s unit. Kevin, Adam and his Sergeant Hank Voight. This is Hailey, she’s a long-time friend of Jay and me. In from New York for the weekend.”

They welcomed her warmly. “What’s the word on Kim?” Adam asked.

Hailey went to walk away to give them some privacy, but Adam waved her off, motioning for her to stay.

“Kim’s okay. Concussion and a nasty cut on her head. But it could have been way worse…had she flown forward she might have gone through the windshield. Jay said she didn’t have her seatbelt on all the way”, Will shuddered.

“Seriously? That’s not like her”, Kevin said aloud. 

“I don’t know, Jay said they got caught up, car chase. Just a heat of the moment thing. I suspect that’s why he popped his shoulder, and Kim has bruises in the shape of Jay’s hand all along her chest and rib cage”, Will replied.

Jay literally held her his partner back, protecting her with all of his strength. Hailey smiled, and felt warm inside as she looked around watching the team realize what he did for Kim.

“Well I owe him a nice bottle of scotch then”, Adam said under his breath, making a joke, but his statement was laced with gratitude and emotion.

The team cleared out after visiting Kim and Jay, Hailey sitting patiently in the waiting area. Will told her to follow him back to Jay’s room. They pulled back the curtain to find Kim standing in front of Jay, who was still sitting dangling at the edge of the bed, eager to leave. Kim had just wrapped her arms around Jay’s neck, his right arm coming up to reciprocate the hug. They whispered something to each other, Kim pulling away, their earlier spat about Kim’s driving long forgotten and forgiven.

Kim noticed Hailey standing in the corner, a small smile forming across her face, her eyes connecting back with Jay. Jay nodded and smirked back, shooting Hailey a cheeky glance. 

Jay cleared his throat, “Ahem. Burgess, this is my friend Hailey. The one I’ve been telling you about.” Hailey could feel her cheeks turning pink.  
“It’s so nice to meet you Hailey. I’m a big fan of whatever this is”, Kim replied quickly, motioning between the two of them. Will had to put a hand over his mouth to cover it and stifle his laughter. Jay even laughed at that too, after an eye roll of course.

“Still have your wits about you, that’s a good sign”, Jay replied.

“It’s nice to meet you too Kim, I’m glad you’re okay”, Hailey smiled back.

“Jay you’re free to go, you too Kim”, Will interrupted. 

Jay instantly stood up off the bed, grabbing his coat off the nearby chair. Hailey watched him struggle for a minute before jumping in to help get it over his left arm with the sling.

While he was still standing, she slid her arms around his torso, under his jacket. He squeezed her back with his good arm, planting a soft kiss on the top of her head, holding himself there for a minute, his hand rubbing her back. Kim’s face exploded with a smile. Jay shot her a don’t you dare look. Kim was just thankful he hadn’t kicked her out yet and was letting her in on this reunion.

“Come on Hailey, Adam can drop you guys off at Jay’s place”, Kim said, turning towards the exit.

“Perfect, was going to let you take my car. This works out. I’ll meet you guys at home tomorrow, I’ll come check on you and hear about the job offer”, Will wink and suggested to Hailey, who smiled and nodded.

XX

Hailey and Jay took a seat in the waiting room of the ED as Adam pulled his car around. Kim was talking to one of the nurses she knew. Hailey instantly got a déjà vu, eerie feeling as she sat down. The exact same spot the two of them had sat in together about a decade or so before.

Jay looked at Hailey who suddenly had a spooked appearance. It clicked for him when he saw the way Hailey looked at the chair she sat in then towards the ED doors. She sat next to him, gently pulling him into her side for a hug. Hailey was always good about tending to all his wounds; physical, mental and emotional ones. Mending his brokenness. He rested his head against her shoulder for a minute, reminiscing on the various times they had spent here together.

Like when he punched a hole in the wall after his moms funeral, after getting into it with Will. Hailey spent all night in the ER with him, silently sitting by his side, letting him rest his head on her shoulder, a hand on his knee while he cradled his swollen wrist in the other. 

“Jay, Jay”, Hailey said as she nudged him awake in the waiting room.

“Hmm?” He raised his head, his neck in a kink from the way he was sleeping, if you could even call it sleeping.  
“The nurse called you back for your x-ray. Want me to go with you?” She offered.

“I’ll be okay”, he said without any emotion in his voice. He had got all his crying out earlier. But the emptiness in his voice scared her more than the tears did. He was shutting down again.

Jay returned about an hour later, sporting a cast on his hand. 

“4-6”, he replied shortly, implying the number of weeks he’d spend in a cast this time.

“Oh Jay”, Hailey said quietly, attempting to rub his back. He jumped away from her instead, brushing her off coldly.

She sighed, but let it go. He was hurting today. In more ways than one. He had barely been home for a few months, back from his second tour, injured, struggling mentally after what happened to him over there. Hailey was in her last year of law school and came home the second she heard Kate wasn’t doing well. The second she clued in that Jay wasn’t doing well either. School was important but not as important to her as this. She was keeping up with her classes from a distance.

“I don’t need you to babysit me”, Jay said, coming out sharper than he intended, when Hailey tried to open the car door for him. 

“I know you don’t Jay. You’ve made it quite clear lately, you don’t need me, you don’t need anyone”, Hailey replied, void of all emotion at this point too. She had it with his attitude lately. Something was different about him this time, coming back. 

He didn’t say anything at first. He just got into the car, watching Hailey march around to the driver’s side. He knew he was being an ass to her, she didn’t deserve that, she was trying to support him. But he just couldn’t let her in right now, not about this. It was too much to burden another soul with.

“Milkshakes?” Jay threw it out there, seeing if Hailey would accept his peace offering.

She agreed and smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes.

He was a mess, and she didn’t know if she could put him back together this time.

XX

He was thinking about that moment, all those years ago in this same spot. And he knew Hailey was thinking about it too, after he watched her set the same hand on his same knee. This time, he lowered his right hand, intertwining his fingers with hers, and instead of turning away from her touch, he welcomed it. They quietly waited this way until Adam texted Jay that he was out front. 

Adam grabbed Hailey’s suitcase and tossed it in the back of his Jeep while Hailey made sure Jay and Kim both got in and buckled okay.  
“So, Hailey, tell me about yourself”, Ruzek turned on his usual charm.

“Well, hmm. I was born and raised in Chicago. Jay and I have known each other since we were in diapers. I love coffee, dogs and long walks on the beach. I have zero tattoos. I live in New York, I’m a lawyer at the state’s attorney office there”, Hailey replied, adding some random facts just for the fun of it. 

“A lawyer huh, fancy. You’re on the other end of our line of work”, Adam added. He could tell he already liked Hailey, and her sense of humour. He could see hints of Jay’s personality intertwined with hers.

Hailey laughed, “Ya I guess you could say that. I’ve seen some interesting things over the years.”

Jay noticed she didn’t mention anything about the job offer in Chicago. Will alluded to it at the hospital too but she didn’t bite. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. 

Adam kept Hailey company in the front seat, Jay and Kim were in the back, starting to come down from their pain meds, and not in a good way. But before he knew it, they were outside of Jay’s house and Hailey was thanking Adam for the ride.

“Which one was your house growing up?” Kim spoke up for the first time on the drive home. Even though she was feeling shitty, she had to ask. It was just adding to the picture she was painting of them in her head.

Hailey chuckled and pointed to one with the red front door, three houses down from Jay’s. 

Kim melted. “Aww. A true childhood dream.”

“It really was”, Hailey grinned shyly, staring at Jay who had the same look on his face.

“Come on, let’s get you inside. Kim wants to get home to rest too I’m sure”, Hailey winked and waved good-bye to Kim and Adam.

The car door slammed, and Adam chuckled looking at Kim in the rear-view.

“You okay back there? This afternoon has been a lot to process”, he asked.

“I love them. I love Hailey. She is so perfect for Jay, they are so precious together I can’t”, Kim spilled the beans about the hug she saw between the two of them at Med. 

“She really is great. I can totally see both of them in each other. They are so like one another, like parts of their personalities and mannerisms are engrained in each other”, Adam analyzed.

“Exactly. Adam I forgot to tell you. You know that funny eyebrow thing Jay does when he’s thinking really hard or really concentrated”, Kim asked.

“Uh-huh”, Adam replied, picturing it well. Jay had this perfect eyebrow twitch.  
“Well Hailey does it too. I saw her in the waiting room today. Then it made me wonder, is that Jay’s thing? Or does Jay do it because Hailey’s always done it?” Kim started to spiral.

Adam laughed. “Okay, okay. Don’t make your brain hurt anymore than it already does. I have a feeling she’ll be sticking around long enough for us to find out.”

“I sure hope so.” Kim thought about it for a minute before adding one other thought. 

“He deserves happiness.”

XX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A filler chapter to tide you over, life has been crazy for me. Planning on getting back to writing soon! Hope you’re all doing well, thank you so much for the support. Stay well - K


	7. Impossible to forget you

Chapter 6

“You’re just trying to get out of taking me to Bartoli’s”, Hailey teased.

“I’m gonna be flying crooked for a few days. Cut me some slack”, Jay laughed as they walked through his front door.

“Fair”, Hailey replied. 

Jay attempted to take off his coat independently but caved and let Hailey jump in like she did with helping him put in on. “Here, let me give you a hand with that”, she said as she gently removed his arm from his right sleeve and hung up his coat in the front closet.

“Thanks”, Jay replied, appearing winded at the small task. The pain medication was starting to wear off.

“Why don’t you go sit on the couch, I’ll make us a tea”, Hailey suggested, Jay nodding in agreement.

She returned a few minutes later, to find Jay sitting upright with his eyes closed, his right hand up protectively over the ribs on his left side.

“How are you feeling?” She prodded, starting to see the paleness coming back to his face, curious if he would tell her the truth or not.

“Not great”, Jay replied honestly, watching Hailey spring up to try and make him more comfortable with pillows and the ice pack.

“I’ll be fine Hailey, really. This isn’t necessary”, he told her, hating being a bother to anyone.

“Jay you’re hurt. Please just put your ego aside for once and let me take care of you”, she replied.

He looked at her, flashed her the puppy dog eyes for just a second. “Okay, it hurts a lot”, he laughed, then immediately winced.

“I know it does. Tell me where”, Hailey came around to his side, gently cupping the back of his neck with her hand.

“Shoulder. My back is sore too.”

Hailey disappeared to find a fresh ice pack.

Jay sat on the couch for a while, trying to take his mind off the pain. Hailey was helping but he was so uncomfortable, and he was getting in his head. The last time he hurt his shoulder like this was in a different car accident. He was getting anxious as to when Hailey would bring it up.  
“So, are we ready to talk about the elephant in the room?” Hailey asked him.

Jay’s heart started to race; he wasn’t sure he was ready. He was feeling the aftereffects of the pain medicine, his anxiety through the roof as it was.

“Hmm?” He asked.

“The job offer”, Hailey stated as if it were so obvious. Noted, she does not want to talk about the accident, he thought.

“Oh, ya of course”, Jay smiled through the nerves. “So?”

“I’ve decided to come home”, she smiled, holding eye contact with him for as long as she could, she couldn’t get a read on the expression he was holding back.

“Really?! That’s awesome Hails. Happy to have you back”, Jay smiled, trying to control his excitement, he didn’t want to appear too eager. 

“Yeah, I start Monday. So, surprise, I’m here for the long haul”, Hailey grinned, a little disappointed he didn’t seem as excited as she was. Things could be normal for them again, or progress into something more even.

“What about your stuff in New York?” Jay asked.

“I’ll fly back next weekend and get it all packed up, bring back as much as I can, then ship the rest over here. The firm is paying for all of that anyways”, she explained.

“Nice, so you aren’t leaving me again”, Jay smirked.

Hailey gave him a questioning look, “Hey I never left you. You were the one who left me.”

XX

Summer 2003

“Jay honey it’s time to go!” Kate shouted from downstairs.

The Halstead’s had been working up to this. Will was off to college nearby; Jay was about to ship out to basic training. Pat had been unhappy about his decision and did not hide it. He and Jay had been butting heads all summer. Jay was a bit relieved to be going.

“Jay he’s just covering up for the fact that he’s worried about you and going to miss you.”

“Sure”, Jay grunted back under his breath.

There was an awkward silence in their front entry, Pat had gone outside to start loading the car.  
“Is Hailey going to come by?” Kate fished, there was something weird going on between the two of them, she suspected it had everything to do with Jay leaving. 

Hailey was going to college in town, living in residence for the first year. Jay and Hailey were attached at the hip, but the last few weeks Hailey hadn’t been around as much.

“Um, I’m not sure. She’s probably really busy packing too”, Jay replied, shielding himself from the sadness he was going to feel if she really didn’t come to say good-bye. They wouldn’t see each other until Christmas.

Kate walked up to Jay, raising his chin so his eyes met hers. 

“It’s only a few months. Time is going to fly by, you’re both going to be so busy. She’ll be here”, she reassured him.

Jay fidgeted on the spot, uncharacteristic for him, Kate noted. He nodded and continued packing his bag.

Ten minutes later, a familiar knock sounded at the door. 

Jay opened it, smiling, and a bit relieved, seeing his best friend on the other side.

“You didn’t actually think I wasn’t going to come say good-bye right?” Hailey smirked, seeing the obvious relief spread across Jay’s face.

He laughed and immediately changed his facial expression, knowing he showed his hand. 

“No never, I knew you wouldn’t break my heart like that”, Jay replied cheekily.

Hailey raised her eyebrows jokingly, motioning him to come outside on the porch.

Kate and Pat hung back in the house, the former smiling at the latter.

“Kate please don’t cry”, Pat told his wife as he started to see her eyes welling up.

“One minute they were just babies and now- look”, Kate started to let the emotion of the day bubble up. 

“I know. But they’re ready to spread their wings. And hopefully, one day, they’ll fly back home together”, Pat replied, about as sappy as he’s ever been, foreshadowing the future for them.

XX

Hailey and Jay took a seat on the front step, like they have time and time again through the years.   
“How come you didn’t show at the park last night?” Jay asked after a minute of somewhat uncomfortable silence, unable to hide the hurt in his voice.

Hailey caught it but didn’t call him on it. “I’m sorry. I had to pack. We had a big family dinner, I forgot.” That wasn’t the real reason and they both knew it, but Jay didn’t bite.

“That’s okay. I’m glad you’re here now”, he smiled nervously.

“I’m gonna miss you”, Hailey blurted out, her heart pounding.

Jay looked at her, expecting a witty comment after that, but it didn’t come. Hailey was getting emotional and he hated seeing her like this. The gravity of their situation was finally sinking in. They had never been apart from each other for more than a week or so. Now they would be apart for months, maybe more. They didn’t even bring up the fact that Jay would eventually be deployed, that was too much to carry right now. Everything was changing.

“Hey. Look at me. You are going to have an amazing freshman year, meet lots of friends, kill it on the track team, you’ll meet a guy…. I’ll probably hate him”, Jay laughed and so did Hailey as she fought through the tears streaming down her face.

“Sounds like you”, Hailey laughed and sniffed, wiping a stray tear, just as Jay’s parents stepped outside, heading towards the car. They apologized for interrupting.

“Well…I guess this is it…”, Hailey breathed in heavily. Jay was starting to feel the tears form in his eyes too. They both stood up off the front step, their lives about to change forever.

He cleared his throat. “I wish you could come with me”, he flashed her his boyish grin, his freckles on full display in the late August sun. 

“Don’t forget about me while you’re out there saving the world okay Jay Halstead?” Hailey said to him.

“Impossible to forget you Hailey Upton”, Jay replied, so many layers of emotion hidden in his statement, hidden behind his eyes, she saw them all.

He pulled her in for one last hug, holding her tight for what felt like an eternity. Her arms were wrapped around his waist, her hand gently sliding up and down his back. He planted a kiss on top of her head before pulling away.

Their hands lingered together before he left for good, getting into the car with his parents, silent the whole way to the airport.

She waved as they drove off, making note of his face in the window. That same boyish grin, wouldn’t be the same the next time she saw him, it would harden and fade over time.

XX  
“Ugh I get goosebumps just thinking about that”, Hailey admitted, feeling all sorts of emotions reliving their first real good-bye, one of many over the years.

“That was the worst good-bye. Well they were all hard, but the first one especially, was tough…”, Jay trailed off.

“It was. But I did always enjoy your phone calls on the weekend, on landlines- before we had cell phones. And that time you surprised me at my dorm just before Christmas break. My roommates were swooning over you”, Hailey giggled at the thought. 

XX

“Who is THAT”, Lily asked Amanda, as they both gawked, watching a tall handsome man dressed in Army fatigues knock on Hailey’s door.

Hailey opened the door, her face lit up at the sight of this mysterious stranger on the other side. Her hands coming up to touch his short hair. She jumped into his arms and he held her like that in the doorway for a few minutes as they whispered to each other.

As Jay set her down, Hailey took note of his broader shoulders, and newly formed muscles. He had filled out since she saw him last. Before she got too preoccupied with that thought, she made eye contact with her neighbours across the hall and smiled.

“Lily, Amanda- this is my best friend Jay!” She introduced him. God, even his smile was attractive, the two girls thought as they waved back and introduced themselves, grinning the whole time.

Hailey raised her eyebrows at the girls, winking as she closed the door behind them. 

“They seem nice”, Jay replied, looking around her dorm room.

“They are. I think they like you”, Hailey laughed as she rolled her eyes.

“Who wouldn’t Lails”, Jay quipped back, earning a shove on the shoulder from Hailey.

“Ya, ya. Mister ‘I wear my Army fatigues for attention from pretty women’ now”, Hailey joked, sticking out her tongue as Jay gently shoved her right back. It was like no time had passed.

“What’s a guy gotta do to get a welcome home”, Jay pretended to be hurt, immediately laughing, unable to keep a straight face.

“Okay, okay. I admit it- I’m happy to see you. Do your parents know you’re back?” Hailey asked.

“Not yet, was hoping you could help me surprise them”, Jay replied.

“Wow, I’m your first stop, honoured”, Hailey clutched her chest dramatically, but on the inside, she felt warm and fuzzy. That Jay’s actual first thought after landing was to come see her.

They caught up with one another, Hailey showed him around her dorm, and he watched as she packed up for Christmas break. 

When it was time to leave, Hailey grabbed her keys to lock up, her roommate had already gone home for the holidays. 

The shock on Pat and Kate’s faces was priceless, Hailey understood why Jay wanted to surprise them. Will would arrive home in a few days, everyone back in the same place. Jay told them all about his first few months of basic training, saying how hard it was. He was glad Mouse was there with him, it was easier going in knowing at least one person. 

“And my bunkmates are really cool too. Luke, Nate and Ryan. Luke’s from Virginia, Nate is from Alabama and Ryan’s from California. Mouse is bunking with a guy named Owen, he’s from Arkansas”, Jay explained to his parents over dinner. Hailey had gone home to be with her family. 

Jay stopped mid-sentence, still unable to talk about his friends without getting choked up.

“Hey, it’s okay”, Hailey rubbed his back. 

Jay shook his head, biting his lip as he looked down at the ground. 

“Still hard to believe, that Mouse and I are the only ones left”, his voice cracked before he cleared his throat and made a quick beeline to stand.

Hailey thought about stopping him but let him go, even though he was obviously in pain. Both physically and emotionally. 

He took a few deep breathes, steadying his sore shoulder with his free hand. 

“I’m going to go upstairs and lie down for a bit, the adrenaline’s starting to wear off”, Jay explained, he had an instinct to run, although Hailey knew he just needed some space. “Make yourself at home”, Jay said and abruptly took off up the stairs.

Oh Jay, Hailey thought. Sitting on the couch, turning on an episode of Friends to distract herself from the noise in her head.

XX

Hailey left Jay to rest for a few hours before heading up with some dinner. She quietly opened the door, finding him lying upright in bed with his eyes closed.  
“Jay”, she whispered. No response. “Jay”, a little louder. That got him up, he looked startled at first, but covered it up well.

“Hey, sorry. Just me. I brought dinner, figured you might be hungry by now”, she offered.

“Breakfast for dinner. The Hailey Upton special”, Jay smiled.

“Mhmm, thought some of my famous waffles might cheer you up”, she crawled in on his right side, setting the tray down in the middle of them.

He gave her a look, not touching the tray. “What?” She asked as she stuffed her face with bacon.

“Can you cut my food, please?”, he asked sheepishly.

Hailey felt stupid, she didn’t even think about that. “Of course”, she laughed. “Want me to feed you too?” She said jokingly. 

He paused initially, “No I’ll be okay”, he said quietly. If she wasn’t mistaken, he thought about it for a brief moment.

They sat and enjoyed dinner, turning a movie on afterwards. Jay was still refusing to take anything for the pain. Will sent them home with a few T3’s, in the off chance Jay needed something stronger than regular Tylenol and was agreeable to it.

Hailey didn’t want to push that though. She had a feeling Jay had been pushed enough today. With the accident, hurting himself, talking about his Army days and the friends that he lost, his mom… the list could go on. She could tell he was feeling overwhelmed.

“She was so happy when I came home that first time to surprise her. And every time after that really. Even up until the end…”, Jay quietly said as they were watching TV together.

Hailey turned to look at him in bed. 

“Sometimes I look around and it’s as if she’s still here, she’s everywhere in this house”, Jay spoke up again, his voice a bit shakier this time.

Hailey didn’t say anything, just grabbed his hand and ran her thumb across the back of his knuckles.

“I know. I miss her too”, she whispered, letting him just be present with his emotions. 

“Every time was so hard saying good-bye to my parents, Will, you, everyone…”

So much of their adult lives had been focused around saying good-bye to each other. That they never really got the opportunity to relish in being together when they had the chance, like when they were younger, and more carefree. Before college, before the war, before death and destruction, before everything. Some days, they would give anything to go back to that time.

XX

2006

Jay’s coming and going went on for the next couple of years, but they met up every chance they had. Jay always came home for the holidays, and Hailey had two track meets a year in Georgia near his base that he always came to. He flew in for her college graduation, a year ahead of schedule. All of his predictions had been right, she had a great experience, met lots of friends, won tons of medals and awards for track. All but one anyways, she never really dated anyone in college. A couple here and there, but none that matched up to Jay in her eyes. She had worked hard to finish her degree in three years instead of 4, her sights set on law school in the fall. Her face lit up once again when she saw him in his dress uniform with a bouquet of flowers, roses to be specific, in his hand for her.

“What a guy”, she smirked, running and jumping into his arms. He picked her up easily, giving her a huge hug. They had been apart for almost 3 months now as he completed Ranger training.

The onlookers in the small crowd around them clapped, the natural response to a soldier homecoming. What they didn’t know was that Jay had yet to deploy, and he wasn’t her boyfriend. Nonetheless all eyes were on them. They didn’t bother clarifying the details.

Her roommates were the first to comment after Jay had stepped away to talk to Hailey’s family.

“Okay. Seriously, when are you guys going to start dating?!” Lily exclaimed.

“It’s been years. YEARS. I need some sort of confirmation”, Amanda agreed.

“Oh, I don’t know. Jay is…Jay. It’s complicated”, Hailey admitted for the first time out loud. 

She kept staring at him in his uniform, suddenly realizing things were more than just a little complicated. They had grown up together, shared everything. Laughed, cried, fought, you name it. She didn’t know what life was like without Jay, and she was sure she didn’t want to find out.

This grey period of having feelings for each other but never acting on them was starting to become strange. They were building up to something, but what, they just weren’t sure yet.

XX

It wasn’t until Jay’s first deployment to Afghanistan, during Hailey’s first year of law school, that he made the decision to finally act on his feelings.

The night before he was flying out, Hailey came home to see him. 

He was anxious as hell, although trying to keep it hidden from everyone else. Kate knew otherwise though.  
“Are you finally going to tell Hailey how you feel?” She asked bluntly, just before Hailey came over.

“What? No. That’s a bit morbid mom don’t you think? Jay joked, suddenly realizing he wasn’t sure if he wanted to put Hailey through that. In case he really didn’t come home.

Kate picked up on his change in facial expression, perhaps realizing just now the gravity of the situation he was embarking on. Jay swallowed loudly.

“It’s okay honey, Hailey loves you. You know that, she knows that. Your father and I know that…the whole neighbourhood…”

“Alright mom I get it”, Jay said blushing. 

“All I’m saying is that confession or not, Hailey knows how deeply you love her.”

“How do you know?” Jay asked quietly.

“A woman just knows. The way that girl looks at you, the way she has supported you, taken care of you, laughed with you all these years… It’s pretty obvious. And obvious that you feel the same about her.”

Jay nodded, admitting it for the first time, giving his mom a hug, before watching Hailey walk up their driveway like she had done a thousand times before. He inhaled sharply, fidgeting with the gold necklace he had tucked in his pocket, with 143 engraved on the back of it.

XX

“Wait you were going to tell me you loved me that night?” Hailey asked, sounding a bit shocked.

Jay chuckled, feeling more relaxed with Hailey’s hand still in his. “Hailey, I gave you a necklace literally with I love you engraved on it. But, yeah, I thought it was a good idea in my head until my mom called me on it and I chickened out.”

“Called you on it?” She asked confusedly, ignoring the rest. 

“Ya she asked me if I was finally going to tell you how I felt. And I was ready to lay all the cards on the table but then I responded- out loud- isn’t that a bit morbid, in case I don’t come home”, Jay laughed but Hailey kept a straight face. “What? Come on, granted I had no idea at the time what was going to go down, the chaos. But it’s a little bit funny now”, Jay reasoned.

Hailey smiled cautiously. “Why didn’t you?” She asked seriously. “I still have that necklace by the way.”

“The same reason you didn’t meet me on the park bench that night”, Jay replied, his turn to call Hailey on something.  
“Oh, ya and what’s that?” She tested him.

“Because I was scared to tell you I love you”, Jay said honestly. Hailey noticed how he didn’t say loved, he intentionally said love, as if it were still a current thought he had.

“Remember when I asked you where I think it all went wrong?” Jay nodded, his eyes starting to get heavy as Hailey laid next to him.

“In hindsight, I think right there. That night, when I didn’t come meet you at the park. I was scared too Jay. I had feelings for you then, and I knew you had feelings for me too. But you were leaving, and so was I, and we were going in separate directions. I couldn’t handle the thought of losing you. And we got stuck in this grey period…We were so young…”, Hailey trailed off. Yet here they were, mid 30’s, sleeping platonically in Jay’s bed again, just as they had done so many times, many years before. 

“All those years we wasted…”, Hailey continued.

“I don’t know about wasted. Misused… maybe. But not wasted. Missed chances”, Jay reasoned out loud.

“Missed chances”, Hailey repeated, digesting this somewhat new information. Surprised at how openly they were discussing this.

She glanced over at Jay, whose jaw was now clenched, the muscles in his face twitching with every movement. She could tell her was tense, and in pain. They were inching closer to the most painful part of their history together, after his deployments, his mom being sick, Mike… she was sure that wasn’t helping. They had unpacked a lot, but there was still a lot to go.

“Jay please take something before we go to bed”, Hailey begged.

He shook his head. “I’ll be fine”, he said through gritted teeth.

Hailey reached over to feel his forehead and his cheek, “You’re clammy. And pale. Please Jay, so you can get some rest.”

“I don’t like how it makes me feel. I know Will gave you stronger stuff you’re going to pass off as Tylenol”, Jay accused her, with one eye open.

“Jay I wouldn’t do that. I know how it makes you feel. But I don’t like seeing you in pain either, it’s unnecessary.”

“I don’t trust myself-…”, he started before Hailey cut him off.

“I have slept in bed with you during much darker times, when you’ve been in way more pain, way more injured, way further gone. I trust you. I will give you space if you need it”, Hailey reassured him, reading his mind. He didn’t want her to be scared of him. He’s lashed out at her in his sleep before.

“Okay”, he agreed reluctantly, his body screaming at him to take something for the pain. “The ones Will sent?”

“Okay”, Hailey was relieved he was wanting to take something strong enough to take the edge off and got out of bed to grab the meds and a glass of water. 

When she returned Jay was yawning, accepting the tiny pills from Hailey’s outstretched hand.  
He gulped them down with some water, not having the energy to get out of bed to brush his teeth.

“Do you want your shirt off?” Hailey asked.

“Um, ya. If that’s okay”, Jay asked sheepishly. There was still a newness to their current friendship rekindling, he didn’t know what she was comfortable with.

She rolled her eyes. “Nothing I haven’t seen before Jay.” She unclipped his sling, supporting his back while he gently eased his way onto the pillows.

“Okay, right arm first”, she pulled his sleeve out and over his head, being extra careful removing his left arm. He groaned slightly as she did that, the drugs not quite kicking in yet.

“Easy, there all done”, she said as she clipped his sling back on, making sure he was comfortable. She rummaged around in his closet, finding his weighted blanket and pulling it up until just before his shoulders. She came around to her side of the bed and pulled the blankets back. 

“Those were T3’s weren’t they”, Jay started to feel the familiar grogginess kick in, he wasn’t crazy about T3’s, but the upside was that his shoulder no longer on fire. 

“Good guess. It’s alright, they’ll help you sleep”, she said, reaching out to hold his hand again. If memory served her correctly, this helped with his anxiety.  
“Thank you. I’m not scared anymore”, Jay replied half coherently.  
She waited until Jay was fast asleep, it didn’t take long. She leaned over, brushed his hair back with her free hand, and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek.  
“I’m not scared anymore either”, she replied back in a whisper, the double meaning of what they were really saying was not lost on her. 

XX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh sorry for the wait! Diving more and more into their past, getting closer timeline wise to what led them to where they are today. Next up: The aftermath of Jay’s deployments. Hope you enjoy! Thank you so much for the support, reviews and nice messages. Sending love to you all! P.s. I got vaccinated this week. Fingers crossed for happier, brighter days ahead! – K


	8. Can you hold me?

Chapter 7

Mike, Mike, slow down!

Watch out Mike- watch for the – BANG

Hailey jolted awake at the flailing body beside her.

“Jay, Jay!” She shouted, not touching him for her own self-preservation. Injured or not, Jay would 100 percent lash out still.

He continued to whimper and scrunch his face up in pain. His limbs were writhing about, whispering Mike’s name. It hurt Hailey’s heart on many levels to see and hear this.

“Jay, it’s okay Jay. Come back”, she tried a calmer voice this time. 

This continued for a few minutes until Jay eventually woke himself up out of how violent he was being with himself. She was sure his injured shoulder would hurt later.

He opened his eyes forcefully, immediately looking around, breathing heavily, moving his arm to clutch his left shoulder. 

“I’m going to be sick”, he stated plainly, after evaluating the situation he was in. 

“Okay”, Hailey got out of bed and started to follow him in the bathroom. It was hard to ignore the fact that Jay was just in his underwear.

Despite his injuries and the many scars that littered his chest, back and abdomen… Jay Halstead was fit, and had filled out everywhere. Hailey’s mind and eyes wandered, skimming the waistband of the tight black briefs, but only for a moment. She was harshly brought back to reality by the sound of Jay dry heaving over the toilet. 

She gave him a minute, until she heard the toilet flush. She softly knocked on the bathroom door to find Jay sitting on the floor with his back against the tub. His face was flushed, from the puking and maybe a bit of embarrassment. Hailey couldn’t quite distinguish.

“You look like hell Jay”, she said with compassion. 

He took a deep breath in, just nodding “Yeah”, was all that came out, agreeing with her. He felt like hell. From the nightmare, from the T3’s, from his shoulder, all of it.

Hailey grabbed a washcloth from the towel rack, running it under cool water. 

Jay felt her sit on the edge of the tub behind him, gently dabbing the back of his neck with the damp cloth. He took a few deep breaths in, his heart rate slowly coming back down. He didn’t quite feel like the walls were closing in on him anymore.   
“You wanna tell me what that was about?” Hailey asked.

Jay paused. It was as if she already knew anyways. He didn’t have the energy to rehash things right now, so he told her a different version.

“It’s the T3’s. This happens every time, it’s why I hate taking them”, he explained.

Hailey knew that was a lie, and Jay knew she knew that. He had taken T3’s many times before, and to her knowledge this didn’t always happen. Will wouldn’t have done that to him either. But he clearly wasn’t feeling well, so she didn’t push it. 

“Okay”, she replied, continuing to hold the washcloth against his forehead now. Her heart melting as he hesitantly rested his head on her knees.

“It’s alright you can put your head there”, she whispered, reassuring him, granting permission.

“Thanks”, he replied back, his eyes starting to drift as he felt Hailey’s cold fingers run through his hair.

The bathroom light made the bruises from the car accident look much worse. Hailey glancing down at his slightly swollen, bruised left shoulder, the stitches looking raw just above his elbow.

They hadn’t been in this type of position for a long, long time. After Jay’s first deployment he started having what he called night sweats, but what Hailey knew now is that it was the start of a very difficult battle with PTSD. She lost track of how many times she had seen him like this, waking up in a panic in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, so worked up and anxious that he’d make himself throw up in order to make sure he wasn’t dreaming, that this was real. It was a nasty cycle, and one that he hid from her, from everyone, for a long time. 

What she didn’t know was that this was still happening to him. Maybe this is what Mouse meant a few years ago when he called her. If anyone would know and understand that Jay was in a bad place it was him. 

Jay was quiet, but she could tell he was still awake, even with his back to her. She suspected he was afraid to close his eyes for too long again. 

She cleared her throat, deciding to lead with something to lighten the mood. “You know, I wasn’t aware that I was sleeping in bed with an almost naked Jay Halstead”, she mentioned cheekily.

She felt his smile against her knee. “Why you like what you see Hails?” 

She ignored the question, replying with another question. “When did you take your pants off?”

He chuckled. “Long before you came up with dinner. Just didn’t feel the need to tell you.”

“I guess another nothing I haven’t seen before moment”, she chuckled back.

“Huh?” Jay asked, Hailey feeling the flush of his cheeks against her legs this time.

“Jay I’ve seen your butt before. You used to moon me at least once a week up until we were like 12, remember”, she laughed. 

Jay sat up and burst out laughing. “I forgot about that actually. Classic.” Boys at that age. They all used to think that was hilarious, mooning each other, her brothers included. Hailey just happened to be the only girl and subject to that, caught in the crosshairs if you will. 

They giggled for a minute, laughing at that hilarious memory from their childhood.

“Come on Jay, let’s go back to bed. It’s 4 in the morning”, Hailey coaxed him to get off the bathroom floor. 

He reluctantly stood up with some assistance from Hailey. Her arm gently falling to his lower back to guide him back to bed.

He hesitated, watching Hailey pull back the covers to get back into bed, with him. As if she didn’t just see him have another panic attack, help him get cleaned up, pick him up off the floor. Like this was so normal for her, for them. And it did, as much as the nightmares were always scary when they happened, having Hailey here and her not judging him for that- felt normal. But there was still something inside of him that felt guilty, for putting her through this again. This is what ultimately tore them apart last time, not the PTSD directly, but the consequences of that.

“What?” Hailey asked as she watched him just stand at the side of his bed, not getting in. She averted her eyes, trying not to stare at his chiseled chest, abs…

Suddenly it occurred to her why he was hesitating.

“I’m not scared of you Jay”, she said calmly. 

“Maybe I should sleep in the spare room. What if I-…”, Jay started.

“Jay don’t be ridiculous. You’re not sleeping in the spare room and neither am I. Get in, you need rest”, Hailey took charge of the situation.

Jay nodded and got under the covers. Hailey waited until he was settled before turning off the lamp on his bedside table. They sat in silence for a minute.

“A lot of horrible things happened while I was overseas…but I do the work. I’ve learned how to manage the triggers and the stress…but sometimes…it still happens. And I’ve accepted that this is something I’ll have to deal with forever. The war was a part of my life Hailey, but it’s not who I am anymore. I just want you to know that. My friends made the ultimate sacrifice so Mouse and I could come home and live our lives. So, I try to honour that. I know I didn’t make the best choices when I came home, but I’ve been trying. I go to therapy now…”, Jay spoke out in the comfort of the darkness, he could still feel Hailey’s eyes on him, acknowledging the obvious of the last hour not being caused by the medicine he took. He needed her to know he had made changes, to help himself, like she had begged him to do so many times years before.

He felt a tiny soft hand on his cheek before he heard her voice. “I know you’re trying Jay. I knew that even when we weren’t talking. Mouse called me a few years back…told me that you were having a hard time. I was going to fly home…but I didn’t know if you would want to see me. And by the time I made my mind up to come back he told me you had sorted yourself out. I’m sorry I didn’t come home or check on you.”

Jay felt a twinge of guilt, Hailey shouldn’t be apologizing to him. He didn’t know Mouse did that. He wasn’t mad though, that must have taken a lot for Mouse to contact Hailey on his behalf, after everything that went down. She was going to fly home for him. He smiled at that.

“I always want to see you Hailey”, he replied, not caring how forward that sounded.

He heard a soft laugh escape from Hailey’s lips. Oh, how she had wished he would have said things like this to her when they were younger. “You always had me Jay”, was all she could come up with, her heart skipping a beat when she felt his fingers loop with hers.

“Even though I know it’s coming… I still feel scared when it happens, like I’m not in control”, Jay elaborated. 

This was one of the more honest conversations they’ve had about his PTSD. Jay kept that bottled up after he came home, all through their 20’s really. 

“I can’t imagine. It’s hard enough to watch you go through that, let alone experience it yourself”, Hailey agreed, surprised that he was opening up like this. 

“Thanks for not running away and being there for me even when I was being a jerk”, Jay told her, Hailey understanding he didn’t just mean tonight, he meant during all of it. 

“You know I’d follow you anywhere. Even if it meant a dark tunnel”, Hailey replied. Jay yawned, fighting to keep his eyes open. 

“Close your eyes Jay, it’s gonna be alright”, she reassured him.

“Can you hold me?” He asked her so quietly she almost missed it.

Her heart ached at the thought, that he would be nervous to ask her that. One of the few things that helped him sleep after he came home. 

“Thought you’d never ask”, she replied, not skipping a beat. 

Jay turned over to lay on his right side, his left protesting a bit.  
“Here”, Hailey reached behind him to place a pillow under his side to support his shoulder.

“Thanks”, he grimaced as he felt her arms slip around him, pulling him in to lie against her chest, and at the same time alleviating some of the pressure off his shoulder by being able to rest it on her. 

“Is your shoulder okay?” She asked.

“Never better”, he murmured.

He wiggled around to find a comfortable place, already feeling a little lighter. The familiar notes of lavender and coffee on her clothes mixed with the same perfume she’s been wearing since high school, her trademark scent if he had to put a name to it, and the sound of her heartbeat lulling him to sleep.

Hailey pulled a blanket up to cover both of them, her body falling into the familiar routine of rubbing Jay’s back until he fell asleep.

As Hailey’s mind was wide awake thinking about the first time she ever did this for him, Jay was falling asleep in one of the few places where he always felt safe.

XX

2007

Hailey was bouncing off the walls with excitement. After 6 long months, Jay was finally coming home from his first deployment in Afghanistan. 

She was sitting in her apartment that she shared with Lily and Amanda. It was no secret that she couldn’t wait for Jay to be home. The girls knew how on edge she was this past year with him being overseas. Fortunately, he was coming home in one piece. Unfortunately, some of his friends weren’t. Jay didn’t share much with Hailey in terms of accidents that had happened over there, but she knew he had lost 2 friends to IED’s, a third lost a leg. He had written about them in the letters that he sent her. They tried to write each other once a month or so, and she could tell he was trying to push things down. She couldn’t wait to see him again, to really make sure he was okay. 

“Earth to Hailey!” Lily interrupted her thoughts.

“Huh?” Hailey replied while absentmindedly washing a few dishes.

“I said are we going out tonight or what? Celebrate Jay being home?” 

“Umm, I don’t know if he’ll want to go out tonight… he might just want to see his parents, stay home”, Hailey responded. What she really meant to say was she wanted Jay to herself tonight.  
“That’s fair. Maybe tomorrow. It’s the Saint Patrick’s Day Parade! What do you say?” Amanda suggested.

Hailey smiled, she loved Saint Patrick’s Day in Chicago. Dyeing the river green was one of her favourite things to see, she went every year.

“Ya, that would be fun. Jay loves that too. I’ll call you guys later. I’m going to head home”, she said checking her watch. She’d have to leave soon to get across the city and beat the Friday afternoon rush hour. 

“Okay, give Jay a big hug for us”, Lily said. “And maybe more”, Amanda added cheekily.

Hailey rolled her eyes and laughed. “I definitely will.”

Truth be told, she had been thinking about their reunion. Every day since he left really. How would they react? Was it going to be like one of those movie scenes, jumping into his arms? No don’t be silly, she thought to herself. It’s just Jay. 

XX

She didn’t let herself get excited until she actually saw him walk through the arrival gates at O’Hare. His mom ran to him first, rightfully so. Pat was at work, and Will was at med school in New York, so Hailey joined Kate for the ride. Jay didn’t expect to see her there and his heart flip flopped when he picked out her blonde ponytail in the crowd. 

She went to hug Mouse first, who was arriving home with Jay. His parents didn’t meet him at the airport, which made Hailey angry, but not surprised. It was no secret that their relationship wasn’t great. She really thought his mom would have been here for him though, and apparently so did he, as his eyes scanned the crowd around Hailey and Kate. The crestfallen look on his face broke Hailey’s heart. He tried to downplay it, but she could tell he was hurt.

“Welcome home Mouse”, Hailey whispered, giving him a quick peck on the cheek and a big hug. Mouse was a reserved, quiet guy, and she smirked when she saw the blush on his cheeks after she planted one on him. 

“Thanks Hails”, he said, reciprocating the hug. He missed his friend, but not nearly as much as Jay missed her. 

Jay released his mom from his hug and gave a side eye glance to Hailey. Kate went up to hug and kiss Mouse too.

“Hi Lails”, he said calmly, she almost wanted to ask him to say it again. She missed his voice, his face, his smile, more than she could find the words for. 

“Hi Jay”, she replied back equally as calm. The two of them just staring at each other for a second, soaking this in. That he was really home.   
A big smile broke out on Jay’s face and he couldn’t hold it in any longer. He quickly closed the gap between them and engulfed her in the biggest hug imaginable, her feet dangling off the floor.

Her arms flew up around his neck, one hand cupping the back of his head, the other gripping his back. He was way more muscular compared to when she last saw him. 

He gently set her down, pulling back to get a good look at her. She decided it was only fair, to give him the same greeting she gave Mouse.

“Welcome home Jay”, she pressed a soft kiss on his cheek, watching the freckles crinkle over his nose, a slight shade of pink invading his cheeks too.

“She kissed me first Jay, don’t forget that”, Mouse teased. Kate just stood there grinning at the two of them.

“Well, well, well. Now this feels normal again doesn’t it you three”, Kate replied, Jay putting an arm around her at the same time. Hailey leaned into Mouse as he did the same for her.

“It does, doesn’t it”, Hailey agreed as they started walking towards the exit. So happy to have the two of them back on home soil.

XX

Mouse hitched a ride home with Kate, and she waved at his mother who opened the front door across the street. His mom did give him a big hug, so that made Hailey feel a bit better too.

“You staying for dinner?” Jay asked.

Hailey hesitated, “No, no. I’ll let you guys catch up.”

“Sweetheart don’t be silly, you’re more than welcome”, Kate insisted.

“Okay”, she smiled. “I’m going to go drop in at my parent’s first.”

“Sounds good, I have to shower anyways”, Jay said motioning to his army fatigues.

“I’ll be back at 6!” Hailey shouted as she made the short trip down the street to her house.

Pat Halstead had joined them at the table after work. Giving Jay a brief hug and a handshake, Hailey could tell that meant a lot to him. 

They listened to Jay as he told some funny stories about his unit, Hailey not missing the fact that he chose to keep the bad stuff to himself. She wasn’t sure if his parents knew the extent of some of the things that happened while he was over there. He was pretty aloof about it with her, and she suspected even more so with his parents, especially his mom. She would worry too much. 

It was getting late, and Jay was yawning on the couch as they were watching a movie. He looked dead tired.

“I’m going to head out okay. You need some sleep, you look exhausted”, Hailey nudged his shoulder, peeling herself off the couch.

He didn’t fight her on it, which meant he was ready to call it a day. It had been a long 24 hours of travel and excitement. Thankfully he had a few weeks leave before he had to report back to Benning.

He nodded and got up to walk her to the door.

“Tomorrow- river dyeing? Lily and Amanda want to go”, Hailey proposed.

Jay smiled, “The perfect timing to be back home in Chicago. I’m in. Is it okay if Mouse comes?” He didn’t tell Hailey, but he was worried about him. He seemed off the last few weeks.

“Of course! I’ll come get you in the morning. Go to bed, we have a long day tomorrow”, she smiled. 

They said good night, and Jay watched to make sure Hailey made it in her house safely. It was silly he knew that, it was only 3 doors down, and she had made that walk 1000 times, probably more. But something in his brain just made him feel on high alert for everything these days.

XX

The following morning, as promised, Hailey came down to get Jay and Mouse and take the train downtown together.

They lined up along the river, watching it being dyed green. Hailey took a quick look at Jay and Mouse, their smiles showing how happy they were to be home. 

By the time the parade was over it was well into the afternoon, and well into a few drinks for all of them. Lily and Amanda were having a great time, and the five of them continued on their impromptu pub crawl. The last bar on their stop was close to the girl’s apartment.

Mouse and Lily decided to leave early, which surprised Jay, but not Hailey. She knew about Lily’s crush on her friend, giving her a wink as they grabbed their coats.

“Lily and Mouse?” Jay raised his eyebrows, smirking.

“Hey, whatever makes them happy”, Hailey laughed. Amanda had met up with a guy she had been seeing as well, calling it a night around the same time.

That left Hailey and Jay at the pub, Hailey looking over in the booth and seeing him yawn again.

“Alright, let’s finish our beers and head out”, Hailey said.

“Hmm? No, I’m fine if you want to stay. Another Guinness?” Jay tempted her.

“Jay you’re tired. You can barely keep your eyes open. You’ve had a busy few days”, Hailey called him on it.

He smiled, one of his dimples showing. “I have not adjusted to the time change yet.”

“I know. Let’s go.” Hailey didn’t prod further; he was quieter than normal.

They each grabbed their coats and headed toward the exit, Jay was grateful to inhale some fresh air. He was feeling a bit closed in at the bar, with so many people. No one was there to hurt him, he had to keep telling himself that. It was busy because it was Saint Patrick’s Day. Luckily, he didn’t think Hailey noticed he was feeling overwhelmed to be out in public. Mouse didn’t let on either, but Jay suspected that’s why he got out of the crowded bar so fast with Lily too.

Jay and Hailey grabbed a burrito for their walk home and staggered in the direction of her apartment. 

They were laughing about something as they opened the apartment door and quietly snuck back into Hailey’s room. They both got changed privately into comfortable clothes, the assumption being that they would be sleeping in the same bed. In a platonic way of course.

“Why do girls have so many pillows?” Jay wondered out loud, taking the decorative ones off to set them on the chair next to Hailey’s bed.

“It’s called style Jay”, she rolled her eyes and swatted him with one of the pillows jokingly before heading to brush her teeth.

Hailey returned with two giant glasses of water. Jay smirked. “Good thinking.”

“We’re gonna need these in the morning for sure”, Hailey laughed. 

They got into bed and turned the lights off as if this was a normal routine. 

“Night Hails”, Jay mumbled from the other side, already shutting his eyes.

“Night Jay”, she lightly placed a hand on his shoulder, his back facing her.

XX

Their sleep was not that peaceful. Hailey could feel Jay moving around, trying to get comfortable every hour or so. She didn’t say anything, figuring his body was just time confused still and continued to pretend to be asleep.

Around 2 or 3 she was in a dead sleep but woke up suddenly as her bed started shaking. She was confused at first, maybe this was the alcohol talking for her too, until she realized it was coming from the person next to her. 

He was mumbling something in his sleep, every so often a whimper sneaking out. She was caught off guard. Bad dream, she supposed. He wasn’t being loud or aggressive, the worst part was just that he was shaking, badly.

She didn’t know what to do, and it didn’t look like he would wake up any time soon. She watched him for a few minutes, it seemed like he was calming down. She sat up in bed, and Jay’s eyes shot open, looking terrified. She was surprised he woke up when she moved in bed, he was usually such a deep sleeper.

“Hey. Whoa, it’s alright Jay. Just me”, Hailey raised her hands in defense.

“Sorry. Did I wake you?” Jay asked sounding disoriented.

“You’re shaking Jay. Are you sick?” Hailey asked, sounding concerned. Her hand gently coming up to touch his forehead and the back of his neck. 

He cleared his throat awkwardly. “No, I’m okay. Just feeling really out of it. Too many beers, and jet lagged.”

“Okay. Well go back to bed. It’s 3 in the morning”, she rolled back over to her side as he agreed and they both quickly slipped back to sleep.

The shaking happened periodically throughout the rest of the night though. Hailey did have her window cracked open; it wasn’t quite spring weather yet. But it was hot when they first went to bed. Maybe he was just cold? He did just get back from the desert after all.

Jay felt Hailey’s arms wrap around him as he tried to keep the trembling under control. He didn’t understand what was happening in his body right now.

“Sorry”, he whispered.

“It’s alright, come here”, Hailey pulled him towards her, so that his body was tucked against hers, his head resting on her chest. She made sure the blankets were tucked over his shoulders and back.

“Are you okay?” She asked quietly, it was odd that he was shivering like this, but she checked again, and he didn’t have a fever.

“Mhmm. Tired”, Jay mumbled, her body heat slowly causing him to relax, the trembling gradually coming to a stop. 

“Okay”, she replied, her hand resting on the side of his head, her fingers softly grazing his hair.  
“I missed you Hailey”, Jay said quietly, the sleepiness evident in his voice.

“I missed you too Jay. Get some sleep, you’re run down”, Hailey whispered, and didn’t push it. Jay nodded against her chest, his breathing evened out, and he began to feel more like dead weight. His arm flopped across her stomach, and one of his legs crossed on top of hers. If anyone saw this, it did look like a compromising position. Jay was clutching her for dear life.

She put a hand on his back, and the shaking eventually stopped. She figured he was just overtired, the last few days had been a lot for him. What she didn’t know at the time, and would come to realize later, was that he wasn’t trembling because he was cold, he was trembling because he was scared.

XX

Hailey rolled over in bed the next morning, groaning, feeling the effects of day drinking, Guinness and shots of whisky at that. 

She looked around, seeing the other side of her bed empty, and perfectly made. Jay’s inner neat freak had clearly been taken to a new level since joining the Army, that he made her bed with her still sleeping in it. She chuckled to herself. 

She strolled out to the living room to find Lily and Jay having a coffee. Jay jumped up when he saw her, immediately handing her a plate of pancakes and fruit and a mug filled with a nice dark roast.

“You made this?” She looked at him questioning.

Jay smiled as Lily chimed in. “I don’t know where you get off Hailey, interrupting my breakfast date with this handsome stranger who stumbled out of your room this morning.”

Hailey rolled her eyes, laughing at her roommate and gratefully accepted the food and coffee.

“Where’s Mouse?” She smirked, raising her eyebrow at Lily, her turn to be in the hot seat.

Lily scrunched her nose, pointing to the bathroom.

“Uh oh, too much to drink”, Hailey giggled, Jay didn’t join her though. 

“I guess so, these things happen”, Lily smiled, didn’t seem phased by it. Hailey shrugged it off, the look on Jay’s face said something else though.

“I’ll go check on him”, Lily offered.

“No, I’ll do it”, Jay told her. 

Hailey didn’t think much of it, as he waved her off and disappeared to see how Mouse was holding up. 

The girls finished their breakfast and coffee, only hearing mumbling from the inside of the bathroom.

Finally, after 15 or so minutes, Jay and Mouse resurfaced. 

“Well, well, well Gregory how are we feeling this morning”, Hailey laughed, Mouse shaking his head at the use of his full name.

“Gregory, oof I must be in trouble?” He laughed somewhat nervously. 

“Of course not. If anyone, you two deserved to have a good night”, Hailey got off the couch and headed towards the fridge. 

“It’s okay Hails, I got it”, Jay replied. Hailey noticed the two of them were acting so strange, something was definitely up. She also suspected Jay rushed out of bed first thing, so they didn’t have to talk about how they slept, or didn’t sleep, last night.

“Jay, just sit down. Relax, enjoy your breakfast date”, she winked at him and Lily, who was sitting there pretending to be honoured.

Hailey came back with Gatorades for the 4 of them, everyone applauding the idea.

“Mouse do you want something to eat? You look a little pale”, Hailey asked.

“No thanks Hailey, I don’t think food is a good idea right now”, he replied sheepishly.

“Gotcha”, she responded.

The four of them sat around laughing about their shenanigans from the day before for most of the morning. Hailey was just loving having both Jay and Mouse back home, she missed them so much, and worried about them every day.

Jay spoke up about an hour later, saying they should get going. Hailey had work to do for school that day, but she promised to come home to see them again mid-week. 

Hailey gave them each a hug, Lily did the same. The girls closed the door and went to crash on the couch for a bit longer.

“So, how was your night?” Hailey finally asked.

Lily suddenly got quiet. 

“Oh no. What happened”, Hailey wondered.  
“No, no it was good. That part was good, really good actually”, Lily stressed. Hailey immediately thought too much info but didn’t ask any further.

“Greg was just acting really strange during the night…”, Lily started, trying to gauge Hailey’s reaction. Hailey on the other hand, was trying to keep a neutral face. She was thinking the same thing about Jay.

“How so?” She asked curiously.

“Like I don’t think he slept….”, Lily said slowly.

“He’s probably still jet lagged, Jay was pretty restless too”, Hailey added.

“No like I don’t think he slept. At all”, Lily clarified. “I woke up at one point during the night and he was just lying on his back staring at the ceiling, eyes wide open. He didn’t even respond when I started talking to him though, it’s like I wasn’t even there. As if he was in his own world or something”, Lily got quiet, as if she was sharing something with Hailey that she shouldn’t.

Hailey pondered to herself before replying. Jay was the opposite; it was like he couldn’t get enough of Hailey. He was always a touchy person, but he seemed to really need her last night, need human touch. 

“I’m overthinking this. I’m sure they’re just both exhausted. Mouse is a great guy; he is super kind. I’m really glad Jay brought him along”, Lily replied before Hailey had the chance to tell her about Jay.

“Mouse is the best”, Hailey agreed. Mouse was usually pretty shy around other people, especially girls. She noticed he was a bit more outgoing yesterday, maybe the Rangers gave him some confidence. Either way, she was glad he was finally putting himself out there. Mouse had a tough home life, Hailey always thought he deserved the world. 

Hailey pushed what happened with Jay last night to the back of her mind. She refused to believe that something was wrong with either of them. They were just tired, she kept telling herself. Maybe they picked up a bug on the flight back or something. In hindsight, the red flags were all there. PTSD wasn’t really part of her vocabulary at that point in her life, but maybe it should have been.

XX

Will slowly cracked open Jay’s bedroom door the next morning, not the least bit surprised at what he found.

Hailey was half sitting up in bed, scrolling through her phone, with one arm still on Jay’s back. His brother was sprawled across Hailey, his body wedged right against her, pillows protecting his sore shoulder.

Will raised his eyebrows at her, Hailey smirked back in reply. 

“Shhh”, she mouthed, holding up a finger to her lips, motioning down to a sound asleep Jay.

Will mouthed back, “Is he okay?” 

Hailey nodded her head. “Tired”, she whispered back.

Will gave a thumbs up and quietly snuck out, closing the door behind him. 

He wasn’t around for Jay when he came home from Afghanistan. His brother had never explicitly told him that he didn’t sleep well after his deployments, but what he did know was that Hailey slept in Jay’s bed almost every night with him after his second tour. That’s what his mom told him anyways. She was really sick then, so part of him wasn’t sure if she imagined Hailey sneaking in every night or not. He didn’t know it at the time, but Jay was really sick then too, in a different way. He didn’t learn about Hailey rocking him to sleep, wiping his tears, and sticking by him when he went on bender after bender until years later, and a part of him ached for his brother, wishing he could have done more. 

Looking back now, he was silly to have even questioned his mom, telling him that Hailey was the only reason Jay was getting readjusted to civilian life. Jay had shut the rest of them out, Mouse was off somewhere in the deep end, and all they could do was watch him self-destruct. But not Hailey. Their mom was sick, Jay was hurt, in more ways than one, but Hailey was there to pick up the pieces. Seeing them together again now brought up so many memories, mostly good, some bad from near the end.

He went downstairs, pausing as he caught a glimpse inside Jay’s office, eyeing the picture he kept hanging of him and Hailey at the end of their dock from many summers back. After all this time, and hardship after hardship, those two young, freckle-faced kids were somehow still smiling in each other’s arms. He smiled to himself, and got started on a long standing Halstead tradition, Saturday morning waffles.

XX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was inspired by Chicago secretly dyeing the river green this past weekend! How I wish I was there…next year! Thanks for all the reviews and messages. I so enjoyed writing this chapter. I’ve been throwing in some references from “Hailey and Jay” in this story, have you caught them? Hope everyone has a great week, spring is in the air (at least where I live) - K


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